Red Rocket Report: Rockets Piss All Over 'Kickin' Bulls' 17-5 With Only 9 in the Field

Sometimes you're the dog. Sometimes you're the tree. Well, usually the Red Rockets are the dog, and pretty much every time they face a Kickball Society team with a median age over 30, the opponent is the tree. Either way somebody is getting pissed on.

And damn was it raining piss on the Kickin' Bulls tuesday night. They apparently did not watch any weather reports prior to the game and it showed. I think there was enough urine raining down on them to make R. Kelly jealous. More pee than Dave Chapelle would have even joked about impersonating R. Kelly. More pee than Ernie has ever dropped on a court house or the walls outside Mac's. More piss than Flo allegedly released in the hot tub saturday night. We're talking a lot of pee here. Allegedly.



And that was just in the top of 2nd inning. A half inning that by the way lasted roughly 25 minutes long. That's some serious peeing. How serious you ask? I believe 18 or 19 batters kicked. 14 runs were scored. An entire bottle of Anal Eaze was used. Countless screams for help were heard. And Lord knows how many base hits, total bases, pitches thrown, balls dropped or towels were needed for the Bulls to dry off afterward.

"I've taken some pretty long pisses before," declared Nate Leighton. "And you guys know how much beer I drink. But that was just crazy. I kinda felt light-headed after pissing that long though."

"This one time at MacDinton's... I had to pee so bad," explained Maria Dodick. "This was like... so much longer than that pee was. And that was a really long pee."







However, it's not always a good thing to be pissing cats and dogs all over your opponent.











"You have to be careful," said Brooke Britton. "Piss all over your opponent for that long and you're likely to get dehydrated fast. Good thing we brought plenty of beer though."




When the pissing parade was over, the "R-themed" Rockets zipped up, washed their hands and capped off a 17-5 win. Lots of peeps contributed. Name a Rocket. Yep, they got on base. Name another. Yep, they scored. And some people even scored twice in the 2nd inning. Tell me the last time you saw that in a WAKA kickball game. Tell me the last time you actually kicked twice in a WAKA game. Hell, tell me the last time you saw Maria allegedly grab Ruben's ass.... allegedly.









Back to the game. All that pee had to come from somewhere. One major source was Chris "Thunder" Moreno who had a perfect night at the plate with 3 hits, 3 RBIs and 3 runs scored. He scored a run in every inning.

"Yeah I snaked a couple of brewskis before the game," Moreno said. "I've been so worried about my upcoming move and living situation. It was nice to put all that aside and just piss all over somebody tonight. Felt good but man I'm thirsty."

The Rocket's 17-run piss rainstorm broke the team scoring record they set last week in a 15-4 ass raping of the Happy Endings. The 14-run urine facial set a team record for scoring in one inning and possibly set a new Kickball Society record.



Much like the Happy Endings last week, the Kickin' Bulls took the ass raping, facials and piss bath with a smile. Their spirits weren't broken even if their buttholes were. Gotta respect that attitude.

The Final Tally:

Red Rockets 17
Kickin' Bulls 5
Anal Eaze 113
Gallons of Pee 9

Other game/evening notes:







Yella pulled a fast one on Nate when he stole his credit card and bought a round of shots for the team. Thanks, Nate!













Running the bases that much in one inning is tiring.


The sex word for the week is "the Double Tap." The double tap is when you're having a threesome and you get both girls bare-assed and bent over about 2 feet apart. You then stand between them and smack both of their asses simultaneously while yelling "double tap!" Bonus points awarded if either of them fall off the bed/on the floor. Everybody wins. I highly recommend it.





For his perfect performance at the plate, massive piss storm and all-around solid Red Rocket attitude, Thunder was awarded the Donkey Punch.









Griff allegedly wore a skirt, allegedly. Just sayin.









Thunder then celebrated with the team and moistened every pair of panties (epsecially Buchanan's) at Gaspar's when he sang his rendition of Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love to You."











For dropping a ball in right center, having another go over his head (both allowing runs to score) and generally being a red-headed step child, Dawson was awarded the Wendy. April was completely mesmerized.






Nobody walked any batters, still making Chandler the only Rocket ever to walk someone. He sucks.






Ball/Rhyme Dropping Gorecki has not dropped a ball or rhyme in almost a month. His debut rap album "Ball Droppin' South Gandy Style" is off to a slow start in sales. Let's all do him a favor and pick up a copy this week.








Plus his street cred took a hit this week when this photo of him sleeping in his bed next to YellowBird hit the tabloids. Notice the hand on his side.












And these photos of him dressed as a redneck didn't help either (Wow Nate looks smashed!).


















How redneck is Mike really? I don't know. You tell me.



















Here's his dog riding shotgun. I'm going to go with very redneck.... allegedly.









This week's Brooke Loves Yella's Karaoke Lyrics are taken from Weezer's "Beverly Hills."

Life in Temple Terrace isn't all that great
My first name really isn't Logan and I'm a piece of crap
I dress like Wolverine so my fashion sense is a little whack
And if I had friends, they'd be just as screwy as me

I didn't go to puppeteer school
Pretty waitresses here never talk to me
Why should they, I'm a grown man twice their age in a bar with a puppet
Got none of my teeth left, neither does my puppet

Gaspar's Bar... That's where I probably should be! (gimme, gimme)
Drinking at Gaspar's Bar...
Gaspar's Bar... like a Temple Terrace celebrity! (gimme, gimme)
Drinking at Gaspar's Bar...