Red Rocket Report: Rockets Start Fast, Stay Hard, TKO 'Where's My Pants?' in the 4th

The last time our very well-endowed heroes walked off the field following a loss, they had to wait 6 months for a chance to avenge it. And that with knowing there was a possibility that they might not get another chance at all. So waiting a week knowing they would get a chance to bounce back should've been a lot easier. Should have been. Proving that patience may be a virtue, but a huge red rocket is still a huge red rocket, blue balls are still blue balls and having to wait just plain sucks in general.

The Rockets got off the schnide tuesday night and released some frustrations all over the field. They were definitely revved up and ready for action, but cautious to pace themselves throughout the affair. They wouldn't want to blow an early load again and not finish strong. So Coach Griff dug deep into his "personal playbook" to create a solid game plan to avoid just that. "Just think about baseball," he said. "It's always worked for me no matter how hot the bitch is and trust me... I've had some talent. Oh yeah. Mmmmmmm." Words to live by indeed, Coach. Bravo.



Well, his advice worked because the Rockets were a completely different team than last week. And it showed in the pregame. Several Rockets arrived at the fields early. Brooke headbutted several lady Rockets. Nate was sporting new cleats. Gorecki applied some 'Stickum' (which is an anti-butter fingers adhesive). Andy was running a sale on cookies. Chandler squeezed Cathy's boob for inspiration and Mikey had his 'fluffer' working overtime.






The Rockets were on a mission. When they hit the field they had just one thing on their minds, donkey punching. A quick three-run first inning facial showed who was wearing the pants in this game. Which obviously wasn't a team that calls themselves 'Where's My Pants?'

Mikey rounded the bases with blazing speed. Griff smashed the first homer of the season and it was on, bitches. "Yeah, it was good to get that first inning facial, but more important to stay hard after," said co-captain Brooke Britton. "We didn't want to go limp two weeks in a row. People talk. Especially about stuff like that."







The Rockets applied their signature Anal Eaze and straight up popped that ass for three full innings building a 6-2 lead. Almost every Rocket got on base, including Gorecki who connected on a blast of a kick that went a whole 4 feet.







'Where's My Pants?' was simply trying to find a "happy place" during the onslaught and now things were about to become much worse for them. The Rockets wiped off their Anal Eaze lubricant and decided to play the 4th inning dry bareback.

Besides screaming for help, 'Where's My Pants?' wasn't putting up much of a fight anymore. With two on and two out, the Rockets donkey punched them bitches knocking them out cold.




Re-enacting the scene is Griff and Nate. Look how happy Griff looks. Donkey Punching sure is fun for all!












The wig Nate has on adds realism but I'll explain the reason he's wearing it later.











Kickball Society referee Matt stopped the game and declared it over. A 6-2 knockout final. Thanks to the early finish, the team only got a total of 14 outs this week. Which means they lost a lot more chances to kick. Maybe next time the Rockets should wait till at least the 5th inning to go bareback and start donkey punching. Just a thought.

The Final Tally
Red Rockets 6
Where's My pants? 2
Anal Eaze 37 (4 innings)


Other game/evening notes

The Rockets improved to 3-1 on the season and are averaging just under 7 runs a game.





DPT discovered that Sarah likes to put objects between her legs while singing karaoke. She's teaching a class on this next week.









Besides hocking cookies, Andy earned her "make out with a Temple Terrace local" merit badge tuesday night. "I couldn't believe I hadn't earned that one yet," she explained. "It was a long time coming." DPT was unable to capture the footage but we understand there was a lot of tongue involved.





The sex phrase for the week is "the Dirty Tebow." Very similar but not to be confused with "the Dirty Sanchez." The Dirty Tebow is when you're doing anal, pull out and instead of drawing a mustache above her lip you draw a streak under each of her eyes. The result looking like she's wearing those dark things Tebow puts on his face on gameday.





No jello shots. What the hell happened?

Mike Gorecki lost the Daywalker immediately after winning it, which this reporter correctly predicted. That now makes the list of awards Gorecki has lost to include the Ding Dong, the Ding Dong trophy, the Ding Dong again a 2nd time and now the Daywalker. I can't believe this guy is actually able to find his keys, wallet and cell phone every morning.


After winning the Donkey Punch last week (and allegedly using it on Maria), Nate forgot to bring it with him to the field, which earned him the replacement award for the Daywalker, which is called "the Wendy." DPT has not received confirmation yet but believes the Donkey Punch is at the dry cleaners.



Cathy Leone was unable to play due to an ankle injury, which miraculously healed during the game allowing her to play, before competing in the karaoke contest, where she was healthy enough to sing, dance and hop around while "Walking in Memphis." Must have been a very serious injury.


The Rockets have announced their theme for the upcoming league wide theme week competition. This year's theme is the Wizard of Oz. While most of the roles are up in the air, DPT has learned that the role of Dorothy will be played by Yellabird. DPT was asked not to include a projected photo.






Sarah B was getting hit on by a Gaspar's regular named "Logan." DPT doesn't have his pic on file, but you might remember him as the fugly dude with lamb-chop sideburns dressed as Wolverine. Sarah declined his advances and told him she was going home with Sabretooth instead.








This week's "Brooke Loves Yella's Karaoke Lyrics" is taken from Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire"

Gonorrhea is a burning thing,
And damn does it ever sting,
Condom forgotten by wild desire,
I fell into her ring of fire,

I fell into her burning ring of fire,
I went down, down, down on her and the flames went higher,
And now when I pee it burns, burns, burns,
Her ring of fire,
Her ring of fire

Next week the Rockets face a team inspired by Chris Gomez -- "Drunk Again and Looking to Score." The toe hits the rubber at 8pm. Until then rock out with your red rocket out!