E-Flo in Cahoots With Woman Who Runs Over Duck

Florida Women, Enraged When Duck Won't Eat her Candy, Runs It Over With Car

Apparently this is your M.O.

Long Dormant, Mount E-Flo Erupts

Week 3 - Power Rankings

Week 3 Picks

Since I gave Jess a hassle for not doing picks week 1 and then ignored picks in week 2, I figure I owe it to DPT to do picks in week 3.  Yes, it's only an hour before the deadline and no they won't be funny.  I plan on owing myself beers at Y of A, whenever I actually show up for post kickball beers.

I will not, however, be doing any excel work, tabulating, or fancy coloration of cells for this.  Only presenting you with my extraordinarily uneducated picks.

Game 1: TBN v Growlers

I didn't get to see TBN play in week 1, but I do see they lost to a team called Pitches Be Cray.  That's not a good sign when playing the perennial asshole powerhouse squad in black.  I'm going to assume the Growlers dominate this game.  What to watch for: Nate's temper tantrum when a Growler takes a walk.

Game 2: Great Balls of Fire v PBC

Two teams I know absolutely nothing about.  It's tough to make jokes about nothing.  6-5 GBoF, I guess.

Game 3: Rikickulous v OAF

OAF is not good at kickball, but I really dislike names of teams that just throw "kick" in there somewhere so people know you're referencing a kickball team.  It's really dumb.  Tough choice between two giant sucks in the same game.  OAF wins, I guess.  Making picks used to be fun...

Game 4: Ballics v Superbad

Making Ballics jokes was a lot easier with Gorecki in town.  Fortunately for us, we know there's a little Gorecki on the way, at least according to a facebook post that was quickly deleted.  Good luck deleting this, Gorecki (who probably still checks in here on occasion)!  Superbad wins.

Game 5: Ligers v FreeBallers

Apparently we're doing a theme game for this one.  Football players and cheerleaders.  Very creative.  I know absolutely nothing about the FreeBallers, but I think I'd be pretty uncomfortable just letting my junk swing in the breeze under some gym shorts on the kickball field.  At the strip club on the other hand...  Ligers win.

Picks Week 2

We all know Rain will be the real winner this week (deja vu anyone?) but you're probably bored as shit at your crappy desk job (or maybe that's just me) so make some picks.  For all the new lurkers out there (if they exist anymore) this is where you write funny shit at the expense of others and make people laugh.  We'll (maybe) keep tabs of winning Pickers at the end of the season and give you some sort of awesome prize. And by awesome I mean terrible.

Week 2 - Power Rankings

"I believe the 4 people that read the Power Rankings like them" -Nate

Power Rankings

I told myself I was done with this shit, but 83% of the blog's dedicated followers insisted (yep 2 people).  Here's to wasting my time!

Kickball Drama

It turns out that drama in kickball is pretty wide spread, and all leagues have chain emails like The Ligers. A few things here...I really enjoyed that their team names are the Pigeons and the Pandas, we really should have an all animal team name season. Instead of team captains this league has coaches. I also enjoyed that he referenced Ultimate Survival Alaska since I enjoy that show. 

To quote Willie from Ultimate Survival Alaska, “why do you go out and test yourself because you can, why do men climb mountains because they are there…if you have to ask these question you will never understand the answer in the first place”. That is how I feel right now…

Keeping my contributor pic alive, 
Litman

Johnny - include this in the next clinic

and by next, I mean first.

Anyone see CJ at the HR Derby last night?

In an effort to get my contributor pic back...

CJ is a Mets fan...who knew?

See Smooty get robbed!!!

This actually happened about a month ago.  Some kids ran into my garage and stole my roommate's bike.  I was actually there when it happened but if I remember correctly I was super hungover and didn't even know it happened until the next day when we realized that the bike was gone.

After a week had gone by, I was talking with my neighbor and told him about it and he said that he had a motion-sensor video camera that was directed at his front yard (driveway).  He checked it out and this is the crime in progress.  This is footage from his house (we share a mailbox, so it kind of picks up what's going on in part of my front yard).

 

This is the first video that show the kids rolling up on their bikes and scoping the place out.  They notice my open garage and go in for the kill.  Once they're all out of screen the video stops.

 

 

 

 

The motion-sensor camera picks up the perpetrator on his way out.

 

 

We showed this to the police, but of course they have better things to do than worry about a stolen bike.



fart noise for the blog.

Justin v Chandler

I regret missing the hostilities. This is how I envision it going down:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abn9yziChlw

Crystal Pitcher Results

We actually had a tie for the Crystal Pitcher today. THEE Beer Nuts and rookies Overcoming Adversity on the Field both had 20 votes. It was decided at Stoney's to have a flip-off... with TBN winning 4-1 for the outright Crystal Pitcher award. Congrats.

Below is the voting spread:

Notes of interest:

- OAF was propped up by SuperBad, while TBN got some decent votes from 5 of 7 teams.

- The Alcoballics once again almost all voted for SuperBad. And once again SuperBad didn't return the favor. Strange relationship you kids have going on. One sided if you ask me.

-  THEE Beer Nuts, for once, didn't spread their votes out evenly in hopes of elevating their chance of winning. Seems they liked the 'Ballics this season.

- PbC got 4 votes after winning the award last season.

- The only team in the league that found the Ligers funny was OAF.

- Yes, Justin Miller did sucker punch me in the face at Stoney's after he found out he couldn't alter another grown man's opinions with empty threats. Unfortunately for him, his situation in life hasn't changed: he's still a delusional, belligerent and violent drunk (more examples to follow later in the off-season)... and I still don't respect the kid. It's a shame he even allows himself to be upset by me. I'm slightly flattered.

Made me laugh

Picks Week 10

Probably no one will make any since viewership of this blog has hit an all time low. No matter - the rain will likely win all picks this week anyways

Broken Wings - 1985

Crystal Pitcher

Hi guys. I'm back again for a quick moment.

We'll be voting again this season for the Crystal Pitcher, which goes to the "most fun" team in the league. As always, you don't really win anything... maybe a couple of bottles of champagne if Johnny remembers to buy some... but you do get the pride that comes along with this highly political award.

Voting takes place on May 11th at the tournament. 

I'll be giving each team ballots (one for every player who actually shows up to the tournament). You can not vote for your own team. Please return them to the box at the Liger tent that says: CRYSTAL PITCHER.

Sometime around the semi-finals we'll tally everything up and announce the winner.

You have two weeks to state your case as to why your team should win. Just don't let the Alcoballics near your ballots. They like to throw away votes that are not for them (true story).

Todd McShay's Mock Draft Report

While I was in the middle of writing this week's Power Rankings I received a surprise call from ESPN Analyst, Todd McShay, with his predictions for the upcoming GoKickball draft.  He asked that I send them over for all the lurkers.

Picks Week 10

Season is almost over. Kinda like this blog. Womp womp.

Stoney's 8th Year Anniversary

I'm taking a quick break from kickball blogging retirement, because Juan (the owner/manager of Stoney's) asked me to post the following information:

Stoney’s 8th Annual Anniversary on Saturday Night  - April 27th

Great entertainment and company. 

•             Show starts at 9pm

•             Featuring a great local band – John Springs and Nervous Turkey (New Orleans Style)

•             1305 22nd St Ybor City (1 block from IKEA)

Picks Week 9

Don't be a dick - make some picks!

Week 9? Power Rankings

So, I generally have to strain my very limited comical ability to just attempt to be funny on these Power Rankings and frankly, with the nonstop coverage of the shit going down this week I just don't have it in me.  Yet, I don't want all the lurkers to spend too much time continually refreshing this site in the hopes for new Power Rankings....so the Freeballers get the only shout out this week.

The blog has been boring for awhile.

Call me a dick for calling Gorecki out publicly, but I warned him not to embarrass me AGAIN with not being the only guy in the pool to pay late. The basketball tournament runs for 3 weeks and it's been over for another week. I've been doing gambling pools with this friend of my fathers for at least 15 years now and I'm not about to not get invites because I pass out invites to stiffs. This isn't the first time that I've gotten an email from a guy that runs a pool that I've invited him to. There were 80 something people in this pool and I invite the only one. Sheesh.

PS if he get's paid for 'winning' Chandlers masters pool whatever, this just enables him to continue to be the only person who never pays for a pool or fantasy league on time. The rule for Chandler's pool clearly states "If you don't pay BEFORE the tournament starts you entry will be ignored". Whatever, it's not my pool and I didn't win so it's really not up to me, but I have my own opinion. On that note congratuations to Geoff for winning the pool.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello everyone.......You are invited to join my on-line college hoops BIG DANCE 2013 basketball pool. The winner usually dances away with 600 - 800 bucks. To accept this invitation and join the group, click the link below (or cut and paste the link into your browser's address field). BE SURE to click on GROUP RULES when you register, and sign in. There you will see The Big Dance rules. If you have any problems, please call me on my cell phone. # 678-670- or email me at INKCAN@ ( Mark Grieshober ) Forward this to anyone you know, who likes to dance, and is good for the entry fee. IF I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, TELL ME THE NAME OF A CONTACT THAT I KNOW. IF I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I WILL JETTISON YOUR BRACKET INTO CYBERSPACE. NO STIFFS ALLOWED. Let's Dance ..............
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This was sent to Mike before the pool started:

Don't embarrass me ;)
The address for payment is in the rules section. Make sure you submit the total points for the final three games and NOT just the championship game, people screw it up yearly. Good luck. 

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Hi Brian,

I finally have enough payments to pay the winners. I am missing one check. $20 from Mike Gorecki. Please ask him to make his donation. Below is the address.

Thank you.

Your buddy, Mark

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Text to 'Always Late Pay Gorecki'

ME: I don't wanna be a Dick but I'm going to. I told you don't embarrass me and pay on time. Do me a favor. Don't get in anymore pools run by me or a connection gave you. Sorry buddy :)  

Gorecki: It was mailed last week so tell him to be on the lookout

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BRIAN LITMAN:

 Mark, I sent him a text message last night when I got your email, he told me he put the check in the mail last week. If it's not there in the next few days let me know and I will send you the money. He's actually living in Atlanta currently so it should take no time to get to you. He's a friend of ours but is continuously last to pay because 'it slipped his mind'. I told him to never get in another pool that is run by me or a contact of mine because I've gotten this same email from George for the king of the hill pool. Funny thing is I told him before he got in to not embarrass me and pay on time since that's been his MO. I apologize about the delay and once again thanks for running the pool Brian

Picks Week 8

Here they are - make 'em!

Ligers keep YOA afloat

So not only have you guys killed 'thee blog' but you're now going to kill the bar too? Pretty weak bar attendance last night from the rest of the league, and by weak I mean there was like 6 other people from the league total. Yaaawn. The Ligers represented with at least 11 people that I can remember. What we're ya'll doing? Crocheting a blanket for your grandma? It's all good...we probably weren't going to hang out with ya anyways. Chumps.

Picks Week 7

Whether you suck at kickball or have great boobs (or better yet - both!), make your picks!

Week 6: Power Rankings

Let the lurking begin!

SidearmGate 2013 and more

Alright, what is the deal with the side arm call?! Is it a dead ball or ball ball because Robes got called on it in a crucial play in our game and I stopped playing because I thought it was a dead ball and I know some other people did too.  Same thing happened during the PBC-Superbad game - and then all of a sudden Nate announces (per Johnny I believe) that now all side arm calls would be dead balls - in the middle of the game lol.  I don't personally care one way or another - I just want to know what the damn rule is.

In other news, I talked with some OAFers last night at the bar (who went ALL out with the easter theme btw - fuckers!) and they told me they had a team party last weekend during which they discovered the blog and spent 30 minutes reading. Conclusion: they think we're all assholes and have vowed to get access to the blog to defend themselves against the hate we (mostly I) bestow upon them.

Somehow THEE Beer Nuts managed to tie us last night. Unfortunately they lost a great player as their dude with that awesome orange bubble jacket got sniped on his way to first base and tore his achilles tendon (OUCH). PBC crushed Supa like 8-3 or something and Ballics completely annihilated OAF 14-1 . Ligers squeaked away 2-1 over FreeBallers.  Griff told me at one point they had bases loaded with no outs and couldn't manage to score (different kind of ouch). Deeks was an asshole, Souder was a lazy sonofa, Ligers had a theme game, E-Flo ripped a shit ton of cigs and I was a crazy Hispanic - pretty standard Thursday night!

Quote of the night
Justin, as Deeks run towards him to catch a pop up that is between them, DEAD SERIOUSLY: "You're scaring me"

Picks Week 6

Make your picks or prepare for a verbal onslaught typically reserved only for foreplay with Faz and Paul when he fucks up

Congrats to Roger from PBC for a perfect set of Picks! Technically you win drinks from Paul and CJ but more likely you win nothing. Happy Friday!

My bad - Roger did NOT have a perfect set of Picks - shoulda had more confidence in your team!

Week 5 - Power Rankings

Here's a special early edition of the Power Rankings for no one to care about.

Week 4 - Power Rankings

Looking less like Power Rankings and more like GorecHate Rankings each week.

Picks Week 5

Do it. Or don't. *shrug*sulk*whine*

Alright, looks like Alison and Rferlopes (sorry dude, don't know your name) "owe some drinks". But I could be wrong, I did this in like 3 mins. I'm not even really sure who won the games.

OC Update

Because it was requested by the Queen, here goes the OC update.

WAKA has something like 23 teams this Spring, so they've decided to set up two more or less divisions: fun and competitive.  Of course, the OC is in the competitive one because fun is for bitches (but fun. is for everyone because some of their stuff is freaking groundbreaking, man) and the OC can't suffer any bitches.

The competitive division is extremely competitive.  The Seminoles are living up to their reputation as being great at kickball and some of them being dickheads.  Most Tuesday night teams that have any kickball ability are at least partly populated by dickheads.  Barbara Balters of a couple summers ago was rife with them, but they seem to have mostly toned it down now.  They're also pretty good at kickball.

The Shockers are playing really well, and we started off hot before throwing away the game against the Seminoles with two run scoring errors (we lost 2-1).  Then we won 2-1 against a pretty poor Ty team, and it looks like the old OC offense might be coming back, and our defense isn't where it was during our last championship run (Fall '11, with Jack from OC the captain, btdubs).

Lots of roster turnover this year and attendance isn't what it used to be.  Perhaps league jumping has taken its toll on the team after our 4th league change in the last two years?  Either way, I think we're all aging, or maybe it's just me, and losing interest.  Speaking of losing interest, noonebeatsoc.com is pretty much shut down.  We let the domain name lapse, so now it's just the .blogspot.com I assume.  Hopefully one day we'll have enough time to make MSPaints and animated GIFs again, but right now that just ain't happening.

I got a puppy, though, so that's pretty cool.  Here's a pic because she's awesome and a little while back got wasted* at Estela's (not really, it was at 220 and the photo op just happened in front of Estela's):

The competitiveness of the league (and apparent lack of competition in GKB this season) has me hankering for a Tampa Championship.  I'll keep y'all updated on the progress of my tournament baby, and you be on the lookout for an invite.

Your former best friend,

Jack from Off Constantly

PS At the WAKA meet and greet party, they gave us name tags and told us to write our names and team names on it.  My name tag was the best.  

*No dogs were actually inebriated for this post.

Growlers-PBC Recap and Other Thoughts

-As predicted, Deeks hit a HR (and some other guy did too - congrats other guy!) but an 11-person Growler squad put up 8 for the win

-Other guy locked his keys in his car at Stoneys before the game and had to get his mom to come to the fields to drop off a spare (thanks other guy's mom!)

-Deeks is still trying to figure out if he is going to be a real asshole or a fake asshole.  This is evidenced by him intentionally knocking over my full cup of beer twice for no reason when no one even saw/noticed but me (hilarious...?) but buying me a beer at YOA afterwards

-YOA was extra fun last night. The bar was packed with kickballers and non kickballers alike

- OC is 2-1 (before last night) in WAKA. I wonder how they are liking it over there. JW, Beardface, where you at?

-Where the fuck is Johnny with his Commish answers? Johnny, when you wake up in 3 hours will you please oblige the 7 people that read this blog?

Picks Week 4

It's going to be cold again this Thursday - just like your hearts if you don't submit picks!!

Looks like I'm in company with Smooty, CJ and HTPT and we all owe some dranks. Not that it'll happen anyways.

Week 3 - Power Rankings

Chandler, I understand now.....This is getting old fast

Week 2 - Power Rankings

Are people really bitching about not having power rankings after no one commented on them last week?

Picks Week 3

Submissions were lacking last week. I'll continue to be in denial that the blog is dying and chalk it up to me posting them Wednesday afternoon.

So here they are earlier - don't let me down!!

Ask the Commish?

Just trying to keep ish going on here. Ask me what you want to know. I'm sure I have an answer.

Last Ditch Effort to Save DPT- Power Rankings

Picks Week 2

Here ya go. Make me laugh.

Everyone owes CJ a drink, which apparently cannot be a beer.  Also, wtf happened Ligers??!?! I see you're back to your usual ways

Liger Recap

What’s up BLOG?

It’s good to see that you’re alive and kicking, after having the plug pulled from you by the hierarchy of elitists….whom seem to think that their other blog of old man sports (shuffleboard), deserves more attention… where they can discuss old man topics, like aging bodies, and wager bets using Viagra instead of beers.

Well, here’s to you coming out of hibernation and starting the new season.
I’ll give you a Liger recap.  We won against the ‘Ballics. (yawn).  Nothing new.   And litman’s debut as Captain was surprising Awesome.  I’d figure he’d show up to the game half drunk and half naked, and leave the game fully drunk & fully naked.

But it was awesome, he had a winning strategy & an awesome Liger Board.

And this is coming from me.  I was disheartened when Chandler & Souder told me I couldn’t be captain.  In my evaluation, they went through my essay and discussed how I couldn’t put the team on a strict regimen of Steroids, uppers, weighlifting, Buddhist concentration exercises, wind-sprint work outs and sobriety in order to create the most dominating force in adult kickball.   They said I have to use a device called “humor” in order to break the ice, create a positive environment and get the team to Gel.  Chandler & Souder told me that they learned about this so called “humor” from their days of being Thespians, in which a comic relief was often used as a means to release emotion or other tension resulting from a comic episode interposed in the midst of serious or tragic elements in a drama.
I said “well, relief this”, and gave them the Black Woman’s Hand & Head Sway,  I was out, Litman was in.  and he’s doing good.

Gator crap

I work with a charity called Promise To Kate <promisetokate.org> that provides support in the fight against Myotonic Dystrophy. We're having an event on March 2nd and I thought some of you obnoxious Gator fans might be interested in some of the silent auction items. Danny Wuerffel was kind enough to sign several items for us including a helmet, hats and shirts. If you are interested in bidding on them for a great cause, find me at the fields tonight and let me know. The event is in Jacksonville, so I'll put the bid in for you. We also have a trip for two to St. Andrews with accommodations for six nights and a gift card for golf, but you poor bastards can't afford it.

- Deeks

Picks Week 1

Alright since Chandler has decided he is too cool for school and has better "things" to dedicate his time and efforts to - either that, or is he tired of putting up with you ungrateful sonsofbitches - I will try this Picks thing until we all stop coming up with funny things to say.  Commence Picks!!!!

Teneille and Kyle owe Paul and Litman some (1?) drink? Something like that. Not like they will ever get them anyways.

Awfully Quiet