I’ve been MIA for the last few weeks, so what? I took a break from facebook for a while and ended up forgetting my password and now I can’t log back in. And just when I thought it was all over, I’m snatched once again from the hands of my sad owner. Gorecki, how hard is it to keep track of a giant red piece of rubber? I was supposed to be a valuable part of the team this year and that’s gone to hell. You guys can make up for it next season by renaming yourselves the Alcodongics.
Anyway, as a newbie to the league, I’ve been able to use all this down time to sit back and observe what I see on the fields. Here goes.
Alcoballics – Don’t get me started with you guys. Bigger chests, hot girls and Reid are not enough to distract the other teams enough to let you score more runs. You might be #2 but your stats suck. I get more runs from one sitting at Taco Bell.
Balls N Dolls – It’s effing kickball, guys. You’re not playing for a spot at the Super Bowl. You’re not even in the top 5 in the standings. Just because you wear black doesn’t make you hardcore. Grow a pair and play a halfway decent game that doesn't end in people referring to you as "those assholes".
Kicktease – Two words: Hot Mess. However, props to Jen V. for bringing the team back to life after their ill-fated captain sank.
Ligers – I was able to spend some quality time with the Liger Visor during his brief hiatus from the team. Unfortunately he had nothing exciting to report other than he was happy to take a break from watching Chandler whack off to scrambled porn every night (sorry, I know that’s not really breaking news to anyone but it’s all I got).
NKOTB – Next season you should change your name to Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
No Game This Week – Officer Ty’s kickball team. Have you seen these kids who prance around in the field in the navy blue shirts? They have no game in general, not just during the week.
Pick Me Up – I don’t know what’s more sad: the fact that they are moving up in the standings and no one notices or the fact that they have nothing exciting enough for even Chandler to be sarcastic about in his weekly standings.
Shockers – They’re like a tame version of Balls N Dolls except slightly better looking. Again, it’s KICKBALL. No need to be so damn serious. It’s ok to high 5 someone when you score a run. If you think that looks too “gay” don’t worry. Most people think that half the guys on your team already are.
Superbad – Oh boy you made it to #1! Enjoy it while it lasts because Alcoballics will score half a run and somehow still be in better standings than you this week.
Team Fabulous – Nothing “fabulous” about them. There’s nothing that makes me want to drink more than seeing guys in bedazzled pink shirts. Until I see them in “jorts.” Watching them play is like watching Flo pretend he’s got game. It makes me sad and uncomfortable.
Thee Beer Nuts – They have some decent people on their team but shit, why can’t you win a game? However I am looking forward to this week’s game against NKOTB - I’ve always been a strong supporter of the Special Olympics.
Toejammers – You guys were #1 last year, what happened? Though I do have to give a giant pat on the back to Ruben for giving the Bayshore league the greatest gift of all time. You guys should be bumped up to #1 just for that alone.
Top Shelf – Though Souder’s re-naming you Dollar Wells does sound enticing, if you guys play a shit game again (against No Game At All) then I think you deserve to move down to Wine Spritzers.
WAKAshame – Will somebody please let me know once and for all if those girls’ hair is really like that or if they just wear it like that for the games since they’re “Texas orange”? I saw less puffy hairstyles on the Country Music Awards in 1987.
Yegabombs – You guys are right next to Ligers in the standings which makes Gator colors. That’s the only fun thing I can say about you, though. I’m trying to come up with something creative and all I hear are crickets. Wow, I bet you guys are good in bed…
Your Mom – She looked promising in the beginning and then starting slowing down. Maybe it’s menopause. I just think it’s because Bito’s on the team this season.
20 comments:
The hate is strong with Ding Dong...
I gotta be honest with you... Souder came up with "Dollar Wells." I'm just spreading the genius. So I've edited your post for accuracy.
Oh... and where you been? I heard Mike dropped you behind the dryer.
"I saw less puffy hairstyles on the Country Music Awards in 1987"
Alright... I just gave this an actual read.
Ding Dong has been holding out on us. We've needed this type of analysis all season! lol
My porn is scrambled, sadly.
To all parties, this isn't me.... though I'm a fan of the writing. Where has this analysis been all of this time?
Time for some of you to step your game up this week in your pics.
LMAO at the wakashame comment...i swear they are using "bumpits"
LOL... bumpits!
Mother F'er. I am NEVER gonna hear the end of this. Let me recap the timeline, much like ESPN does every time Michael Vick or Brett Favre do anything, even sneeze or take s shiz..
10/01/09 Ding Dong is kidnapped from MacDintons. On my birthday mind you. F-you kidnapper!!
10/16/09 Ding Dong some how mysteriously finds his way home and lands up buried in my bushes the night of Bries Surprise Party. OR the kidnapper was one of the 35+ guests that attended and was too cowardly or creative to think of a better way to reunite him with his owner..
10/22/09 Ding Dong arrives back at the fields and makes these "observations". His owner tries to offer him up for adoption, but the alcoballics feel he belongs with me for another week or so...
10/24/09 After having Brie as a roomate for only 8 days, she decides to throw an impromptu party and evite you assclowns (oops don't know where I learned that word from) over WHILE I'M AWAY! More on why this date is important later...
10/29/09 Ding Dong could not be found in my house so I assume he's in my truck who I loaned to a neighbor that evening. No ding dong present, boom Gorecki gets the honor for another week.
11/1/09 Gorecki returns from Jacksonville and gets his truck back from his neighbor and searches it thoroughly..no Ding Dong found in my truck or my house. Mother F'er he's been stolen again.
11/3/09 Ding Dong gets posting rights and is on the warpath. Gorecki is still detoxing from the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and doesn't have enough sober brain cells to piece together who stole him the night of 10/24, who's computer savy enough to create a profile and gain posting rights, and who's witty enough to go off on all the teams.
All I can offer is this... Ding Dong, show up at our game this Thursday, watch me earn the Unit and still be forced to hold the Ding Dong title. I'll introduce you two, get you both wasted, slip you two some GHB, and guarantee a night you'll never remember.. err forget.
you didn't mention your house getting TP'd... which I'm sure was blamed on me too.
where are the pics from that night anyway?
When have I ever pretended to have game. I know I have no game.
LOL!! Good work, Ding Dong.
Chandler, you're still heavy on the "suspect list" since our other neighbor (who saw the culprits in action) remembered a "tall skinny guy" and a "short dark guy" (Chandler and Rubs perhaps??). Fortunately we have nice neighbors across the street who tore it down for us Sunday morning before we got back since their house was conveniently tp'd too. You get an A for effort though! And bonus points for doing theirs if that was, in fact, you too...
"suspect list" - when am i not on the suspect??? i think you guys give me far too much credit.
I need TP for my bunghole....
I'd like to say this isn't me either. Ding Dong was a lot nicer than i would of been :oP
A lil tune for Your Mom
To the tune of Kung fu fighting
Wo ho ho ho
Wo ho ho ho
Everybody is playin kickball,
Your team becomes really awful,
Even though your team is whining
At the tournament you’ll be shining,
Bridge:
You’re a diamond in the rough,
You’re a brilliant ball of clay,
You can be a work of art,
If you just go all the way,
Now what would it take to break?
I believe that you can bend,
Not only have you got to kick,
But you have got to win,
(Chorus)
You are a natural,
Why is it so hard to see?
Maybe it’s just because,
People are looking at Tony
The season’s a quick one,
So much that we can see
Sometimes you’ve got to believe
And leave it to Tony..
The Bouffant Triplets is classic
When I first saw the triplets I thought that they were dressed up for Halloween as Kate Gosselin... I even asked Brooke.
She dared me to tell them that Kate called and wanted her hair back.. but I am not as mean as Kevin.
..I figured WAKAshame was pulling some WAKAshenanigans and was having the same girl kick 3 times in a row cause they didn't have enough show up.
-WAKAbumpits?
-WAKAbuffants?
-a new theme-game idea?
I have wanted to do a "bumpits" theme game against them since last season...but sadly i have never played against wakashame :(
*HEY if the ballics are playing them this week, they should do it, just like they did a "jeanette" theme game against Kicktease LMAO
Seriously... Those girls scare me... They are wrecking havoc with the ozone layer.. plus, they just scare me in general.. lol... Bumpits.. I LOVE IT!!!! But alas, I took a good look last season and the only thing keeping it up is the entire bottle of hair spray used.... God Bless Florida
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