Long Dormant, Mount E-Flo Erupts

It was a wonderfully pleasant and serene evening on Field 2 last night.  The Growlers were in high spirits, frolicking around the field before gametime.  One of the Ballics’ girls was picking daisies along the sideline.  Birds were chirping in the oak trees behind home plate.   THEE Beer Nuts were having a picnic awaiting their 8:45 Beerlympics to begin.  The Superbad –Jammers game ended with a powwow around the pitchers mound.  The Hare Krishnas came and delivered a healthy dinner for everyone.  Everything was at peace in kickball world. Except for E-Flo.

Something seemed off about him. Rumor has it he was seen intentionally running over a family of ducklings on his way to the fields. At a party last weekend, he poured an entire bottle of Vodka down the sink and I’m pretty sure I saw him push someone’s grandmother out of the way as he walked up to the plate for the play that changed the game. He kicks the ball and runs to first base. There was a close call on whether he was safe or out.   As people were debating, E-Flo decided to drift so far away from first base, that he “looked like he was playing Right Center,” as one Beer Nut pointed out, and he got tagged out by a Growler (see diagram below).  That’s when it happened. For years, Mount E-Flo lay dormant until Thursday night, when he erupted.  The veins in his neck were popping out so big I thought he had gotten some sort of implants (no doubt a recommendation made by Hand Job after his calves turned out so nicely).  At one point he threw his hat on the field, Steve Spurrier-esq.  The language coming out of his mouth was so vile, every resident surrounding Desoto park had ear muffs on their children.

Both teams started arguing and before you knew it, an all out brawl ensued, led by Eric.  Smooty broke out ninja stars.  Alison busted out a gat. Someone had one of these: Hunga Munga.  Naturally, Deeks’ family joined in.  Finally, someone on the Ballics declared, “C’mon guys. We’re not that team.”  and everyone dropped their weapons and resumed play. 

Mount E-Flo continued to erupt for the remainder of the game, screaming obscenities and hitting women. He even got Alison in on the action, and she titty punched me at home plate while scoring a run.  She claims it was an accident but we all know better.  Afterwards at the bar, E-flo said that it had been a while since he had ‘gone off’.   I’m pretty sure he meant it’s been a while since he’s gotten off, thus resulting in his ridiculous outbursts.  Moral of the story: E-Flo needs to get laid.