Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Red Rocket Report: Weeks 5, 6 and Tourney



I apologize for the delay in getting this update, which I'm hopeful but realistically fearful will be the final Red Rocket Report. It's been one of my greatest pleasures to give you these recaps and such a wide collection of grossly obvious sexual references to describe the action. Should this be the final report, I would just like to say what an honor it was, along with such great people and athletes, to blow so many loads all over the fields and our opponents.

And now, without further due, here's your Red Rocket Report.

Almost two weeks ago the much anticipated "battle of the unbeatens" between those Tuesday night posers, "Where My Pitches At" and the kickball objects of your affection, "the Red Rockets." took place. This game had a lot to offer. Action. Drama. Alcohol. Men in skirts. Shaved nipples. Two 4-0 teams putting their perfect records on the line. It was hot. It was steamy. It was completely gender optional.





The Rockets brought out the big lumber for this one. And I don't mean baseball bats. I mean the big wood. This one got sticky and out of hand very early. The Rockets put on some cherry flavored Anal Eaze (team sponsor) during warmups and 'Where My Pitches At?' should have thanked them. Some solid pitching, defense, a busted kickball and another explosive first inning facial were way, way too much for the Pitches. It was pretty much grabbing ankles and screaming for mercy all night long for them, much like a night with Kickball Charlie. Not that I speak from experience.


Red Rockets 12
Where My Pitches At? 1
Anal Eaze 57


The Rockets seemed to be drained after blowing multiple loads all over the faces of a previously unbeaten team. Next up were the Booty Kickers, who brought their B game in the field and their A game in racial slurs, name calling and bitching. The Booty Bitchers had apparently got the memo that Rockets were unbeaten, enjoyed ass raping other kickball teams and that Rubs is black. This team bitched, moaned, complained, argued and dropped an "N-bomb" at Ruben. On one occasion, Tony appeared to be throw out at home by their pitcher (the quality man who dropped the N-bomb), who proceeded to politely scream at Tony, "You're out, you fat fuck!" Much to his dismay, this fine young man (pictured left), who possibly missed a Klan rally to come to the game was wrong and proceded to throw a tantrum on the pitchers mound. 5 years of playing kickball. That was a first.

After that wonderful display, the Booty Bitchers decided to continue to target their frustration on Rubs, who in case you didn't know isn't black, but he'll take it regardless. That's what he's there for and he pretty much excels at verbal confrontations. It takes a big man not to retaliate with derogatory comments of your own when a pussy is throwing racial slurs and comments at you. And since the Rockets don't have any big men (MJ and Nate are proof), they fired back a few of their own.

Somewhere in the middle of all of the fuss, racial slurs targeted at Rubs and toddler behavior by the Booty Bitcher's pitcher (that rhymes), the Rockets put together a couple of clutch kicks and built a 2 run lead. The Rubs would come in and close the deal. And just like that, the regular season was over. The Rockets finished a very ToeJammer-esque perfect 6-0. The team gathered at the bar to celebrate and wipe themselves off.

Red Rockets 4
Booty Bitchers 2
Anal Eaze 9



The following night was the much anticipated Kickball Society Tournament. The Rockets pulled "Kickin' and Screamin'" in the first round -- quite possibly the most appropriate name of any of the Rockets' opponents all year. It would not take long for them to live up to their name. Prior to the game the Rockets were carbing up and like true porn stars, going heavy on lean meats to try and replace all the protein lost from the night before. And in the first round of the tournament it worked. Name any player on the Red Rockets. Yep, they probably scored a run in this one. I don't see it in the videos or pictures, but I think I recall seeing a rape stand on the field at some point. Maybe the league had good reason not to like us. Kickin' and Screamin' took the big lumber all 4 innings, finished the game 'Screamin' and Bleedin' and finished the season a perfect 0-7. Another game. Another opponent. Another round of first inning facials. Time to carb up again.





Red Rockets 11
Screamin' and Bleedin' 0
Anal Eaze 65 (4 innings)





The 2nd round brought a rematch from the season opener and the Rockets first chance at some follow up booty. The Whiskey Sours had not forgotten the abusive 10-2 pounding they took from the Rockets 6 weeks ago and vowed for revenge or at least asked to have a drink bought for them first. Unfortunately for the Sours though the Rockets used up most of their Anal Eaze in the previous scene, er game. This one dragged on for a long time thanks the Sours pitcher throwing 3 balls to every kicker before throwing a strike. It was close for a while before the Rockets pulled away, pulled out and gave them a pearl necklace. Another game. Another first inning facial. Another frustrated opponent. We didn't even buy them that drink either.


Red Rockets 7
Whiskey Sours 3
Anal Eaze 11 (4 innings)



Now it was on to the semi finals. A matchup with some familiar faces and WAKA representation. This one was a total hater rally. By the 4th inning every player still there on other teams was very openly rooting against our butt humping heroes in red. Perhaps, we should have left more money on the nightstand at some point during the season. The Rockets pulled the lead early in the 2nd and led pretty much the entire game until the 5th. A couple of catch able balls were dropped to the turf by the lady Rockets. Somebody was very adamant at rejecting help to cover a spot in the infield, the ball was kicked right at them, boink, they drop it and the winning run scored. Season over just like that.




Blue Moon 4
Red Rockets 3
Dropped balls in the final inning 2
People playing wrong position 1


After the tourney, Irish put on a Riverdance clinic up at Whiskey North. He was off the chain as evident by these priceless pics below. The party was great and those Rockets that made it out had a great time and got back in the good graces of the league. It was a great fun season. Take care and rock out with your red rocket out!











18 comments:

MJ said...

FUCK! We lost...Thanks for bringing it back up.

MJ said...

PS - Red Rockets closed down WPN the following Wednesday, and we got a present from Alicia. (Thanks Alicia)

Florian said...

I didn't know Schwack played on the orange team!

Nate Dawg said...

...Thanks Alicia, made the night complete haha

Alicia said...

What kind of night would it be without a present from me??!!! Good times Rockets

SarahB said...

"We beat you...and you hate us"

MJ said...

Damn - that Flabongo has made out with everyone this weekend....

MJ said...

sarah you have sloppy 42nds

MJ said...

and...boom..you're pregnant

MJ said...

now i'm done

MJ said...

i feel like knowlton - but seriously, done

SarahB said...

ok 1st...not really since that pic is from the summer sizzle so technically you got sloppy 42nds - and if you wanna go that far, you also made out with Griff cuz he did it right after me...

and 2nd...if you were knowlton you would make up the fact that i apparently gave you a handsky. BOOM

I want my 50 cents child support!

MJ said...

Damn I just got owned.

Yep I got sloppy 67th. Brooke prob didn't clean that thing either.

So looks like I'm pregnant...

You gave Knowlton a handsky??? He couldn't have said better? Who WANTS a handsky??

SarahB said...

Ha! no i didn't...and i know right?!

~Marla~ said...

OK, I guess this is another blog I can't read at work. Thanks for the very large & vivid pics.

Despte that, great recap and awesome season. But...if I and a few other selects would have been on your team... maybe you would have been undefeated. j/k ;) Looks like you guys did great. Wish I could have made it to watch a game.

YellowBird said...

Wow, Marla! Those are fighting words. Wonder if you'll get any hate mail over that?

FRANK said...

only thing I got out of that recap is that you went out like a bitch in the semis

YellowBird said...

You know all about that don't you, Frank? :)