Saturday, October 24, 2009

Where Are They Now? - Part 1 - Teneille

Welcome to Part 1 of DPT's ongoing "Where Are They Now?" series, written by ChandleRollo. We hope to give the Bayshore community an in-depth "behind the scenes" look at the lives of kickballers who have left us for smaller and lamer things. Click on any picture for a larger view. Enjoy:

Name: Teneille W.
Born: September 7th, 1978
Nickname: "T"; "Trini"; "Patron Princess"; "That Black Chick That Plays Kickball"

Teneille was once a dominant figure on the Alcoballics v1.0 and a fond lover of "white chocolate." But where is she now? Does anyone even remember her? It's a story that must be told...

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Thirty-one years ago on a vast grassy plain in the heart of Zimbabwe, a mother cried in agony whilst giving birth to a beautiful 14 lb. 9 oz. child. The local hospital wasn't much more than a shack made of dried out grass stalks and elephant tusks. Cheetahs perked up their ears at the sound of the birthing, while hippos gracefully drifted down the local river seemingly unaware of the commotion.

"Congratulations, it's a girl," exclaimed the doctor as he held up the baby (which already possessed a full set of hair). "Do you have a name for her?"

"No," whispered the exhausted mother.

Perplexed, the doctor shrugged and handed over the infant. "Ok... anyway... your hospital bill comes out to be... ten Eilles." The doctor, of course, was referring to the national currency of Zimbabwe: Eilles.

Eilles are a very common stone found throughout southern Africa. In fact, Western Civilization still has not figured out why they are used as currency by Zimbabweans. The doctor could have easily just walked outside of the shack and picked up ten Eilles in a matter of seconds. But this documentary is not about to solve the riddles of cultural tradition.

The new mother's face lit up with excitement. "That shall be her name! She cost me ten rocks... so I will call her Teneille!"

Teneille (bottom left) now back home with her family.

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Decades after her birth, Teneille found herself in sunny Tampa, Florida. She had already lived through a lifetime of travels that included working as a Somali pirate and exotic antiquities thief. But here she was in the United States... the land of opportunity... attempting to settle down and make an honest living. After moving in to one of the mobile homes neighboring the PAL fields, she immediately noticed the drunken kickball ruckus on Thursday evenings. One night she wandered out to the games and instantly spotted the only minority amidst the hundreds of honkies. His name was Duc. And he was an Alcoballic. Thankfully, Duc took a liking to Teneille and agreed to help her sign up on his team next season.

So that's how we all came to know our good friend Teneille. But where is she now??

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Sadly, all things must come to an end... including work visas. The US Government finally grew tired of providing Teneille with blankets of freedom. So she packed her bags and headed home to the tiny village of Trinidad, located within the province of Masvingo, Zimbabwe. She spends her days working for a pharmaceutical group producing gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid, which she then sells to American rave clubs. "I've always had a fondness for GHB. I used it all the time back in the States to seduce various guys in WAKA" explained Teneille through a translator. In her short time back home, she has pretty much lost her entire knowledge of English and primarily communicates through the series of clicks that make up the Zimbabwean language. And while she doesn't play kickball anymore, Tenielle continues to stay active by running away from Ligers and participating in traditional dance festivals.

As my time with our friend came to a close, I asked her the one question on all of Bayshore's mind... "Will you ever come back?"

"Click-click-tick-click-clack-tick-click-click," responded Tenielle.

Well said, my friend. Well said.

Teneille with her new iPod.

7 comments:

Chris said...

Hopefully there isn't a "woah-tah" shortage in Zimbabwe.

bull said...

So that's where she's at now!

Steph said...

Hopefully she won't "misplace" this Ipod like she did the last 3. I'm not shipping her another one.. Those PWC batteries are hell to get through customs.

trinihic said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.. I am laughing my ASS off.. Seriously... lol...

trinihic said...

By the way.. Chan Chan and Rollo.. I appreciate the love and the post.. :)

YellowBird said...

"That shall be her name! She cost me ten rocks... so I will call her Teneille!"

Lol!!

Nate Dawg said...

LMAO!!! Sweet iPod!