Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Red Rocket Report: Red Rockets Start Slow, Then Shave the Bush....wackers Bald With a 7-1 Win!



It's been almost a year since this reporter had the pleasure of recapping a Red Rockets win. In relative terms, it's been a LOT of drinks, a job change, a new address, a few haircuts, couple booty calls from Chandler, two Bayshore Division seasons, and I can't even remember whom or how many people I might have dated in that stretch of time. Fast forward to today. All of that is in the past and as for the Red Rockets, the future is now! And the future probably needs to start wearing condoms. Just sayin'.

The Rockets shook off some rust and sprung back into action tuesday night with a slightly less than spectacular although yet convincing 7-1 win over the Bushwackers, a brand new team playing in their first game. It wasn't exactly the type of destructive anal flesh carnage we have seen in the past from our crotch bulging heroes in red, but it's important to note they were missing the services of Ruben "Rubs" Kajkowski and newcomer April "Tall" Williams. Those two will be returning next week.

The Rockets were stoked for their return, but just struggled to turn that constant erect young man excitement into runs, probably just like your junior prom. However, after pushing only 2 runs across the plate in the first two innings, the Rockets found some rhythm, applied some cherry flavored Anal Ease and went to town. They took advantage of a suspect Bushwacker defense that left their assholes open all night and "donkey punched" them bitches for 5 runs in the next two innings. After that, it was pretty much over like a bad marriage.

If you're curious what a donkey punch is, here's a demonstration by Griff and Cathy.

Step 1. Find a chick to Donkey Punch.















Step 2. Impact.













Step 3. Take it, bitch!





Step 4. Smile for the camera.











Finally, finish her off with a Donkey Punch. Everybody wins!





















Back to the game. The Wackers were tougher than expected and really took most of the shots to the chin (like Cathy did up above), across the face, down their neck and maybe a little on the cleavage. The Rockets had chance after chance to open things up and really hose down their opponent with a sticky facial, but just never got the explosion they were looking for. But the Rocket D was up to task all night and the Bushwackers never seriously threatened.





Some Rocket quotes from the evening explained it all. "Well it wasn't as exciting as some of the recent gang-bangs I've hosted this month," said Chandler "Cha Nom Nom" Brown, "but it was important to get that first win under our belts. We'll get the offense going... if not a couple of gerbils up the ass usually works."



Coach Griff added his two cents. "This is a good team," he said. "We'll get better after a couple of games when these peeps start having a lot more sex together. Because that's the key to playing solid kickball. Lots of regular sex in all kinds of positions. Being creative... unafraid.... it's all about discovery and exploration. It's natural. Mmmmmmm.....yeah, it's very natural. And then we'll start kicking some ass again." Well said, coach.

Other game/evening notes:


The Rockets introduced a weekly MVP trophy called "the Donkey Punch." The award goes to the player who best demonstrated the art of knocking our opponent unconscious while plowing them from behind. Speaking metaphorically of course. Rocket rookie Andy Eifert won the honors with a stellar debut scoring a run and making a nice catch.







Fellow rookie Chris "Thunder!!!" Moreno was 2-2 with 2 RBIs in his first game ever! And he also learned that Chicks really love a guy who can drive it home!









In his Rocket debut "Cha Nom Nom" pitched a nice game and narrowly missed a shutout. However he was 0-3 and twice popped out with runners in scoring position.

Nate Dogg was an uncharacteristic 0-3.







Some of the scariest and ugliest people I've ever seen (like this dude with 3 teeth that brings a puppet to the bar) live in Temple Terrace. He's single ladies.






Mike Gorecki took a shot to the balls before making the play at first unassisted. Brie reportedly "massaged" out any soreness.

Cathy's ass was slapped numerous times. And she really seemed to enjoy it every time.

Maria made some delicious pudding shots.

Sarah got a base hit and sang several songs at the bar.

Brooke defeated Chandler in the cutthroat flipcup finals. With 6 people still alive, the Rockets were the only team left at the table after all others were bounced. This just in, we're really good at flip cup.

Per Alicia, she now knows the foul out rules of kickball.

Brooke thinks my karaoke lyrics rule.

And either Sarah, Brooke or Maria owe me a beer for the one they knocked out of my hand on the dance floor.

The final tally:



Red Rockets 7
Bushwackers 1
Anal Ease 19







We're still awaiting the schedule to go live, but we know the toe will hit the rubber next week at either 7 or 8pm. Until then, rock out with your red rocket out!

PS. I wrote this entirely while just sitting in my boxers. Visual inserted. You're welcome.

15 comments:

Smithkey said...

Great recap and overall good game. With a 7-1 win when we played average, I cant wait to see what happens once we get back into the swing of things.

Nate Dawg said...

Great work as usual Hess! Love reading these...I promise not to suck next week!!!

M. Gorecki said...

Great job yella err REDbird.. maybe insert a few more sexual innuendo's next time though, i didn't pick up on many in this report...

YellowBird said...

thanks guys,

I'll work on that Mike.

Leone said...

I <3 RRRR

April (tall) said...

Nice Recap. Can't wait to play next week :)

Brooke said...

hahaha i do love your karaoke lyrics! and yes, im better than chandler at Flippy Cup :) Obvi

SarahB said...

Twas not me who knocked your drink on the floor! Fab recap as always!

MJ said...

Where's Jeanette?

YellowBird said...

LOL... that's funny as long as I didn't say it.

Nice one, MJ.

Maria said...

Good recap, but you missed the part about my kick at the end... It was for you MJ!

Griff said...

excellent recap!
Great win guys!
The whole crowd of teams watching our game got into a frenzy when Maria pulled out the heel-kick at the end of the game...pitcher didn't know what to do..haha

Brooke said...

The Doda!!!

Nate Dawg said...

Anyone find any prospects for "the daywalker"? I really we hope we can find a huge red fro...

YellowBird said...

http://www.mydivascloset.com/noname279.html

this one is available in red
http://www.halloweenstore.com/store/s21800.html

http://www.shop.partymart.com/details.asp?id=090-50680&subcat=75

I'm going to check a couple of local places tomorrow.