Thursday, January 28, 2010

Red Rocket Report: Rockets Start Fast, Blow Load Early, Go Limp, Split Double Header

Porn stars are talented. They have the ability to blow multiple loads without losing size, intensity, effectiveness or girth. If they did lose it after one load, imagine their embarrassment. Why do you think they make so much money? Not everyone can do what (or whom) they do. And we now know that everyone includes the Red Rockets.

It was a disappointing finish to a night that started with such promise. Maria had made some of her signature jello shots. The air was cool and crisp providing perfect kickball weather. Many Rockets had laced up their cleats and Chandler's t-back was riding up his ass perfectly (pictured right). I was especially turned on by this and believe the constant thought of his sweet ass distracted me. Thus, contributing to my poor defensive performance. That must be how he got the nickname "Honeybuns". I digress.

Things seemed okay in the first game. The Rockets applied their signature cherry flavored Anal Eaze (team sponsor), got lubed up and "squeezed" across a couple of runs early on. A bullshit call at third in the 2nd inning threw a wrench in what could have been a full on facial, but nonetheless the raging red boner patrol regrouped and made it rain to the tune of an 8-1 victory over "Blues On First," a team of retired and some "should be" retired Tampa police officers.

The pigs were simply over-matched in this one and the Rockets knew it. "Yeah, they didn't stand much of a chance," explained Ruben 'Rubs' Kajkowski. "They could have cuffed me before the game and it wouldn't have made much difference. Not like they haven't done it to me before. Hell, I've got a set of cuffs on my nightstand I use regularly."




"Looked like a damn doughnut connoisseur convention," added Sarah "SarahB" Brazier. "I mean are there any male cops out there that can actually see their dick without holding up their guts and looking in the mirror?? So damn frustrating! Guess I'll just stick to fantasizing about firemen and Ruben."










Twelve different Rockets got on base totaling 18 base hits. Eight different peeps drove in a run and eight different peeps scored. When the anal carnage was over, our hornball heroes had unloaded a perfect storm of fluids. This one wasn't as close as the final score showed. The attack was constant and if memory serves correctly, they left runners on base in every inning.

Final Tally

Red Rockets 8
Blues on 1st 1
Anal Eaze 39

So now it was time for the 2nd scene, err, game. The Rockets stayed loose and awaited the next challenger, the Blue Ballers. The temp started to drop, but the Rockets weren't going to use that as an excuse. Temporary insanity maybe, but not the cold.

The Rockets jumped out front again and held a comfortable lead of 6-2 in the 3rd. Then for whatever reason decided to stop playing defense. Several uncharacteristic errors later and the Rockets were clinging to a 6-5 lead going into the last inning. That's when physics of the universe seemed to take a turn and the Rockets confused the ball to be a live grenade. Every easy play was flubbed. People looked lost and scared. Chandler's thong started to give him a wedgie. And with 2 outs and the game tied, Mike Gorecki capped things off Bill Buckner style to close it out with a 7-6 loss. I know Mike's a good man, but I'm curious if he had some money down on the Blue Ballers straight up or still owed his bookie a "favor" after the SEC title game. Remember, Mike, Teebow is always watching us.



Several Rockets had good games. Kristen ran down a ball in right and made a nice catch. Andy had 3 hits. Chandler was 2-2 with 2 RBIs and Nate finished the night perfect with another 2-2 effort. But good efforts in losses are about as useful as the plot in a porno movie. This team is too capable to lose games that way.

Final Tally

Blue Ballers 7
Red Rockets 6
Anal Eaze 11

Other game/evening notes:




Rockets unveiled their version of the elusive "Ding Dong" made popular by the Alcoballics. This one is called "the Daywalker," which is awarded to the person with the top mishap of the night. Very fittingly, Mike Gorecki won it. I'm sure it will be the last time any of us ever see it again.







Maria made some tasty jello shots and had some nice bunts.

The sex word for the week is 'mud flaps.' Mud flaps is slang for when a girl is riding you and she farts causing your balls to shake like mud flaps. Feel free to tell that to all of your friends.




Nate won the "Donkey Punch" this week for his performance. He was a perfect 4-4 at the plate, scored twice and had the ball bounce off his head when he lost it in the lights. Congrats, Nate.









Chandler gave several Rockets pointers on how to properly "fist" a woman. It was quite educational. Nate was so excited about this new knowledge that he wanted to try it out on someone with the Donkey Punch. Looks like he may have found a winner. Please note that DPT is not responsible for how the award smells next week.











DPT received exclusive info from an anonymous source this week that Andy is a girl scout. Here's what we believe she looks like in uniform. She'll be running a special sale on cookies next week.













The Rockets need to start conserving sperm or at least learn to control their ejaculations so less comes out when they skeet. Maybe they should look into hiring a consultant like Lil John..........awww skeet, skeet!!



This week's "Brooke loves Yella's Karaoke Lyrics" are taken from the Fugees "Killing Me Softly."

Strumming my cooch with his fingers, (One time, one time)
Bouncing my chin with his balls, (Two times, two times)
Killing me softly with his schlong,
Killing me softly... with his schlong,
Biggest of my whole life...are his balls,
Killing me softly with his schlong


Next week's game is against "Where's My Pants?" I think we can all relate to this team. The toe hits the rubber at 7pm. Until then rock out with your red rocket out!

10 comments:

Smithkey said...

The second game of the double header gave me flashbacks of the epic fail by Your Mom against the Alcobolics in the tourney last year. At least Chandler educated us at the bar later that night on the art of fisting. That information is priceless.

Griff said...

Somehow the Daywalker award wound up on my head towards the end of the night at the bar...I'll bring her back next week!

Nate Dawg said...

IRL!!! Mud Flaps!!! Hilar...I've seen epic failures like that about 15 times in my career as a Beer Nut. Sadly the RRR Beer Nut'ed that game away...makes me sad

Chandler said...

I believe "Mud Flaps" were coined by YellowBird... but we only know about this actually happening thanks to Rollo.

So... Rollo... tell your brother he's famous.

SarahB said...

OMG! and dont forget the "finger roll" LMAO...seriously almost "pimp'd" while reading this...love it as always Kev!
...i will continue to make an appearance on the karaoke so you can make up lyrics...i especially loved all the looks you guys got from the nearby table with "black cocks...nigga please" ...HILAR!!!

BTW Griff why is the daywalker a "she"??? Shouldn't it be a "HE" lol

Griff said...

hmm last I checked chicks can have red hair too...female daywalkers do exist...even in Bayshore division!

YellowBird said...

Missy..... the most dangerous Bayshore ginger of us all.

April (tall) said...

I love our new Daywalker award... Kevin gets it by default! haha

M. Gorecki said...

nice write up REDbird. I'll take one for the team this week, meaning I accept the daywalker award. As far as truly taking one for the team... and judging by the photo in the post..i think thats been handled by Nate and Maria.

MJ said...

You suck Mike. You know the player to flub our only loss last year isn't on the team anymore, right? Hope you enjoyed your one season.