Friday, March 12, 2010

Red Rocket Report: Rockets Run Out of Lube, Hump Royal Pains Dry Bareback 10-1!



Most times when you run out of something you use frequently it's a bad thing. Running out of clean underwear or toilet paper is pretty annoying. Running out of gas sucks. Running out of money is even worse. Now some other things are totally different. Sometimes running out of something isn't necessarily bad for you, but really bad for someone else. Like breathe freshener, deodorant or even..... anal lube.

Well that's pretty much what happened to the Royal Pains on tuesday night. The Rockets went off on them in the 2nd inning, ran completely out of Anal Eaze and had to give them the business dry bareback for the rest of the game. Ouch!



"Well it was bound to happen eventually," explained Co-Captain Brooke Britton. "I'm mean look at how much Anal Eaze we've gone through in the last 3 weeks. Guess we were expecting better competition and didn't order enough to make it through the season."

And that's a fair assessment. In the past three weeks the Rockets have gone through 4+ bottles of Anal Eaze.




Here's how it happened:

15-4 ass raping of the Happy Endings... finished a whole bottle in 3 innings.

17-5 pirate plunging of the Kickin' Bulls.... finished an entire bottle in the 2nd inning alone and went into the next week's reserve after that.

And this week's 10-1 butt boning of the Royal Pains.... ran out in the middle of the 2nd inning.



That's a combined 42 runs in only 13 innings of work! 42 runs scored! That would be like Balls n Dolls playing Grifter's NKOTB team from last year every week for an entire season!



The question on everyone's mind is what will the Rockets do without Anal Eaze? Well, help is on the way.

Rocket P/C/SS/SLF/Sex Symbol, Yellabird, is the team's resident Anal Eaze product expert and purchaser. He believes he has found an alternative.



"Well I wasn't going to dig into my personal stash for obvious reasons," Yella said. "So I negotiated a deal with Todd Couples Superstore to supply us with their house brand. This may hurt our relationship with Anal Eaze, but with the tourney coming up this weekend I just can't take any chances. We might go through an entire bottle in the first round game alone!"

So with the anal lube crisis resolved, back to what happened in the game.






The Rockets spotted the Royal Pains their first run off a mental error by Rocket rookie Chris "Thunder" Moreno, but Thunder would make up for it later driving in a run. After that it was ALL Rockets, ALL night long. And it was a long night for the Royal Pains.

After the Rockets ran out of Anal Eaze, the very next batter was Yella. And without warning, he plowed a two run triple up their asses bareback. The Pains screamed in pain (ironically) and their cries for help went pretty much unwarranted by others. The rockets would continue to "pop dat ass" for 5 more innings before donkey punching them out of their misery. A long, nasty 10-1 final. Thus clinching the top seed in the tourney this saturday.

The Final Tally:
Red Rockets 10
Royal Pains 1
Anal Eaze 26 (Ran out in 2nd inning)
Boxes of Cookies 8
Top Seeded Teams 1



Other Game/Evening Notes:



About 4 teams are carrying the bar attendance this season. Not very good in my opinion. Wednesday nights in Carrollwood pull an ass-load more peeps and most of them have all of their teeth and none of them take puppets inside the bar.







The sex word for the week is "the Alabama Hot Pocket." The Alabama Hot Pocket is the art of separating the vagina lips and taking a shit inside....and possibly having sex with it afterward. Refer to Gomez for more details.










Ball/Rhyme Dropping Gorecki got on base, made a putout at catcher and went another week without dropping a ball (or rhyme). Word on the street is that Busta Rhymes is thinking of canceling Gorecki's east coast concert tour to promote his new rap album, "Ball Droppin' South Gandy Style". Ticket sales have come to a complete halt after last week's Red Rocket Report released photos of him dressed as a redneck and in bed with Yellabird.








Andy delivered the cookie order she took in week 3.

















Chandler looks like he's trying to buy more than just cookies here.












Speaking of Chandler, he may look like a penis but he sure can flip cups.


And nobody walked any batters still making him the only Rocket ever to walk a batter, therefore he sucks.






For his defensive efforts throwing out a guy from SS and for getting the 5-run 2nd inning facial in motion with a 2 RBI triple, Yella won the Donkey Punch.
















The proudest moment in his life no doubt!















For only going 1-3, leaving runners on and generally being the shortest Rocket of all time, allegedly........... Nate won the Wendy.













It was his 2nd time winning the award this season. And he was promptly donkey punched by Yella after receiving the award. After he woke, he joined the team at the bar and celebrated at Gaspar's.

















This week's Brooke Loves Yella's Karaoke Lyrics is taken from Outkast's "Ms. Jackson."

Yeah this one right here goes out to all the bayshore kickballas...
Ball kickers, Drinkers, Flip cuppers, cup flippas
Yeah, go like this

I'm sorry Mr. Gordon (OOOH!)
I am for real
Should have gotten my game to start on time
I apologize a trillion times
I'm sorry Mr. Gordon (OOOH!)
I am for real
But now da lights are on till 9:30
Please don't be stopping no more games early

5 comments:

Griff said...

LOL...

My hands look so big around Nate's head...

SarahB said...

thats what she said...

Maria said...

FABULOUS Recap as always Yella!!

We appreciate the time put into the reports unlike the people bitching about the length of the Rocket Report in the shout box.

They clearly have never been out to a game to support us. I can probably name the handful of people that have actually supported us at games and MOST of them are Alcoballics

So Thanks Ballics!

Nate Dawg said...

Awesome job Yella! I love that these reports are so long! (thats what she said) Let people bitch

Griff said...

well said guys...these reports pay homage to what originally brought me to this site: The great game recaps. I miss those.

Thanks Yella for taking the time to write these.