Monday, March 15, 2010

Red Rocket Tourney Report: Rockets Explode All Over Happy Endings Completely Draining Their Balls, Can't Get it Back Up & Get Bushwacked in Semis




Notice:

It's been my pleasure to bring you these game recaps and Red Rocket stories. I know how much some of you love the extensive story lines, tabloid-esque picture commentary and full bodied composition. It's my hope and desire to continue to have an opportunity to provide more of these in future.

Sincerely,
YellowBird

And just for all you haters out there, I'll keep this shorter than Griff's banana.





Game 1 vs Happy Endings

Well, the tourney got off to a good start for our Hornball Heroes in Red. Despite Andy still being wasted from her birthday partying the previous night, the Rockets were ready to make a long run at winning it all.




They showed up with two tents canopies, numerous coolers, multiple grills, stacks of drinks, food, Todd Couples Store brand anal lube and sunscreen. Maybe the only thing missing was Viagra. Too bad. Could have used it.








The Rockets took the field and spotted the Happy Endings one run. Then like you would expect, they applied some anal lube and proceeded to break the Happy Endings in half. A 10-run 3rd inning left their opponent in the fetal position bleeding from basically every hole imaginable.





"Yeah it got pretty nasty there in the 3rd inning," explained Chandler "Honeybuns" Brown. "I haven't seen bleeding like that since I banged that freshman in college. And he didn't even bleed that much."











The Final Tally:
Red Rockets 13
Happy Endings 1
Anal Lube (Anal Eaze substitute) 87










Semi Finals vs the Bushwackers

The Rockets fell behind early before retaking the lead, 2-1 in the 2nd. A long fly ball sailed over Rocket Rookie Chris "Thunder" Moreno's head and the end result was a three-run homer. The Rockets would never recover and numerous attempts to get them aroused failed miserably. I think their cocks were pretty chafed after a long season of butt boning and an apparent lack of protein in their diet.



We've discussed this before. If you're a long-time Red Rocket Report follower (and not an anonymous hater) then you're familiar with the topic. It's been preached before and the choir has always agreed with the message. 5 out of 5 female sex therapists agree. Coach Griff even told us his tactic of thinking about baseball. Ruben has interviewed porn stars and they always concurred. The message is clear...






Don't blow your entire load early. Especially, if it will inhibit you from performing a 2nd or 3rd time. And yet the Rockets continue to struggle with this same issue.

"It's getting frustrating," declared Rocket OF Mike SmithKey. "I don't know if we're ever going to get this shit nipped in the butt... er bud."

I like the way you think, Smitty.

It's only been two seasons, but the Rockets are now 0-3 in the 2nd games of doubleheaders and tourneys. Granted all 3 losses are by a combined 5 runs, but still this team has way too much testosterone and such a high sperm count for this to happen to them. Getting it up a 2nd time shouldn't be this much trouble.




"I've never had this happen to me until I joined this team," explained Rockets P/SS/Team Spokesmen/Porn Director Ruben "Rubs" Kajkowski. "Maybe we should drop the deal with Anal Eaze and sign with Viagra next season."





Not a bad idea Rubs.




The Final Tally:
Bushwackers 4
Red Rockets 2
Anal Lube 7



Other Tourney/Afternoon Notes:






Alicia brought her black pug to the tourney. It's a good thing Ruben did not bring his blag pug, Patch. If he had, Patch would have likely forcefully impregnated Alicia's dog. Which would have qualified as black on black crime.






The sex word for the week is "Dickazzling". Dickazzling, very similar to vajazzling, is the art of bedazzling your dick. Click here for the real reason Nate missed the tourney. Boom! You're famous!





A gust of wind blew Ruben's tent up in the air, breaking off one of the metal legs in the process, which then blew into the air and got stuck in the tree thanks to a garbage bag tied around the leg. SmithKey then proceeded to fire a soccer ball into the branches attempting to get the metal leg to fall to the ground.




During his numerous attempts, pieces of garbage would periodically rain down from above. Two different people attempted to climb the tree to get the debris to fall before Wayne stopped them. I'm not making this shit up, I swear. If you were there and you were buzzing, it was really funny. Trust me.









SmithKey also created a beautiful concoction of Monster, Hawaiian Punch and Vodka. The said mixture affectionately named "Rocket Fuel" was served in a Round Up pest spray jug. It was a huge hit with every team.













Numerous pics were taken by several teams drinking it and Yella seemed to really enjoy serving it from between his legs.









For getting hurt in their semi-finals loss and for really nobody stepping up playing that well, Andy & April split the Donkey Punch. Andy seems more excited than April about it being right by Yella's crotch. Guess she's getting used to it.









For admitting that she sucks assholes, Maria earned the Wendy.... which BTW, has been renamed the Gorecki.










The renaming bacame official during this re-enactment of a play at the plate in the first game. Gorecki was attempting to score when the entire Rockets team yelled for him to slide or dive. Ball/Rhyme Dropping Gorecki decided to jump into the air arms stretched ballerina style as he was easily throw out.




There was whirlwind couple hours of activity on saturday surrounding Ball/Rhyme Dropping Gorecki. After dropping a ball in the tourney, ticket sales exploded for his upcoming concert tour to promote his debut rap album "Ball Droppin' South Gandy Style". It was the first time in almost 6 weeks that he dropped a ball (or rhyme). Busta Rhymes reendorsed his concert tour to promote the album.










Until these pics of Yella on his lap emerged.



















The tour is now officially canceled.




















Then he lactated in a cup for Chandler. Word has it "Gorecki Juice" might be his future since his rap career seems to be over. Look for it at your local grocery stores this summer.





Ruben pantsed Cathy, who apparently plays sports in thongs. Then the two finally just decided to put all the sexual tension aside and got it on at the fields in front of numerous witnesses. Here's how it looked.






















Don't let the anger in her face fool you. Those were screams of joy. Look for a urbandictionary.com comment and DPT post about this in the future.

9 comments:

Brooke said...

IRL! Well at least Cathy got her shout out.

MJ said...

Yella - didnt we win last season when we played the doubleheader? Rubs broke out the shorts and Jeanette wanted to fight Brooke? Ruben also said he was 'black' that night, too.

YellowBird said...

Hmmmmm.... maybe you're right MJ. I could be wrong. That was a lot of drinks ago.

Nate Dawg said...

Thanks for the shout out Kev...dickdazzled...lol! PS it looks fantastic!

YellowBird said...

How much did you spend on it? BTW, Team Fab is going to be sooooo jealous.

Maria said...

Another fantastic Recap Yella! Thanks!

Although I'm dissapointed that it didn't take up the WHOLE entire page. But obviously you tried.
Nice work! :)

April (tall) said...

Great Recap! Hilar!

Nate Dawg said...

Yella - nothing...its free PR for the artist

YellowBird said...

Nice! So why did they pick you then? Was BnD unavailable?