Thursday, May 13, 2010

Red Rocket Report: Rockets Get Hosed on Calls, Settle For Tie vs Drunk Again, Then Demolish Flugelhorns & Impersonate Mexicans



Seven days. It can be a chore to wait that long for something. Remember when you were a kid and had to wait another week for Christmas morning? Can you go an entire week without a cocktail? Think Ruben could go a week without banging a kickball groupie or I could go a week without making a sex reference? Of course not, but now you're seeing things from the right perspective. And it shouldn't be hard to see why the Rockets couldn't wait to get back on the field and avenge the loss in week one.

Game 1 vs Drunk Again Looking to Score (And apparently the Ref)



The Rockets couldn't wait to lace up their cleats/sneakers/bustiers and dive into some hot, sexy kickball action last tuesday. They started the evening 0-1, a losing record for the first time in team history. Obviously, it wasn't going to stay that way all season. However, the ref in the first game (pictured right) seemed to have that idea in mind. Perhaps he had some pesos riding on the game.

After some creatively entertaining bad calls early on, the Rockets clinged to a 3-2 lead. Drunk Again would tie the game setting up one more questionable call to leave this one in perfect doubt. After all, the ref seemed more interested in whatever Ruben was saying to him or about him than actually reffing the game. Alicia ran for home, the throw came in offline from left field. Drunk Again's catcher grabbed it, threw it at her and according to outside reports, it hit her. The question was just did she make it to the plate in time. Guess we'll never really know and neither will a ref making close calls at home.... while standing next to the pitcher's mound.

The Final Tally

Rockets 3
Drunk Again 3
Anal Eaze 9
Missed Calls about 4 or 5
Threats by the Ref to Throw Ruben Out of the Game 2
Refs Who Had a Bad Game 1


Game 2 vs the Flugelhorns


Arriba!!!!

Now it was time for some good, wholesome and clean fun at the expense of minorities. It's going on three years since Ty banned us from participating in kickball fiesta with a mild political message about securing our borders and a major excuse to drink margaritas. Of course, I'm referring to the infamous Mexican/Border Patrol Themed game from several seasons ago.

This one had potential to be particularly offensive but I think we really kept it PG-rated for the most part. There was no lettuce, cabbage or tomatoes. Chandler had mentioned he might bring his lawnmower and I had mentioned the possibility of going to the junkyard and scattering old used car parts in the infield. It's probably in good taste that we didn't do either of those, but I was still kind of proud of my idea spray people backs with a water bottle for extra Mexican authenticity.

On to the game. The Rockets were getting sick of not winning kickball games. It was time for things to change. It was time for some Anal Eaze. So the Rockets lubed up, put on a big smile and drove it home for 8 runs in the 2nd inning. I don't actually recall but I think they scored first for a very brief lead and then we finally reached back and pimp slapped somebody. It was pretty explosive facial.





The facial was so long it seemed to make the game last forever. At least Matt seemed to complain enough about how long it was taking that it seemed that way. Kind of like when Nate visits the fat chicks at the Gold Spa and gets the hour long session. All that pent up frustration and tension has to go somewhere and when it finally releases, it goes everywhere.






Speaking of fat chicks, this Red Rocket Report is brought to you by Svedka.











It's tuesday night, you're alone at your local bar watching the game. You've been in a slump for months and need some booty. A fat chick sits down at your table. Fortunately, you're drinking Svedka. No other vodka makes fat chicks look hotter than Svedka. Svedka... fuck it!




So it was a pretty solid game. The Rockets poked their opposition in the butt, Ruben was not threatened to be throw out the entire time and everybody got pretty buzzed. Seemed like most tuesdays.

The Final Tally:

Red Rockets 13
Flugelhorns 3
Anal Eaze 87






Other Game/Evening Notes






"The Chandler" will be added to Taco Bell's dollar menu this summer. It's described as a fruity sweet soft taco packed full of large pieces of meat and dripping with creamy sauce.










The sex word for the week is the Mexican Avalanche. The Mexican Avalanche is when your receiving a blowjob near a stairwell, skeet in her hair and then push her down the flight of stairs.











Maria apparently drank too many margaritas and in true Mexican form was feeling pretty sleepy. She later took a siesta at the bar.























For kicking his first dinger of the season (and for having a rather large red wang), Souder won the Donkey Punch.



















For getting thrown out at home while impersonating a ballerina (again!), Ball/Rhyme Droppin' Gorecki won "the Gorecki" -- fittingly named after him.





















It looked like so much fun everyone decided to try it.












This week's Brooke Loves Yella's Karaoke Lyrics are taken from Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"


Right now, he's probably banging a 3 dollar whore
in a bar bathroom stall
About to donkey punch her ass from behind
Oh but he don't know...

That the condom he wore must had some leaks
because I hadn't seen my period in over 6 weeks
Hungry every two hours and I just wanna eat
I puked my guts out this very mornin'
That bastard better pay for at least half of the abortion
Maybe next time he'll pull out before he skeets

10 comments:

Chandler said...

I think your lyrics are getting better each week.

trinihic said...

wow... amazing really and truly amazing... lol

Nate Dawg said...

I agree...good work on the song...highlight of the report!

SarahB said...

BOOM now your pregnant

Chandler said...

you're

Chris said...

Apparently you own the pregnancy Chandler.

Chandler said...

that's ok, because it's your dog!

Jack said...

Chris, you might want to get that wang checked out. I'm impressed by the size, but it's not supposed to be red. Perhaps too much Chouder time has caused chafing?

Mexican avalanche? I think to have it truly be an avalanche, it ought to be skeeting in the hair of more than one Mexican and pushing them down the stairs. One Mexican does not an avalanche make.

Enjoyed the update. It was long overdue.

Chandler said...

good call on the avalanche. what Hess described is more of a "Mexican Flurry."

Maria said...

Did you really post this at 4am?? Now that is a RRReport dedication! Sheesh!