Thursday, May 19, 2011

Save Your Pets After Jesus Saves You!

Best idea I've heard in awhile.  So we all know the Rapture is going to take place on Saturday.  But while you ascend to Heaven, what happens to your pet??  Well... Fluffy will sadly get left behind and slowly starve to death in your home.  He might even die of an infection after he eats his own feces in a desperate attempt to replenish vital nutrients.  While you're busy doing keg stands with Jesus, your dog has about eight days of severe suffering to endure.



This is just one of the many consequences of the Rapture that believers fail to think about, even though the concept of Jesus rescuing all the saved souls before the End of Days was conceived 1,700 years after Christ's deathDid the Puritan's not own dogs?

But don't fret! Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is here to help!

That's right... some genius started a company in 2009 to profit from this May 21st nonsense.  For $135, you can have a documented Atheist come to your house after the Rapture to retrieve your pet. They will adopt the animal as their own and take care of it until we all die in the Last Judgment.  Read the FAQ for answers to all the obvious questions.

To date, the company has made over $30,000.

10 comments:

bull said...

But Mickey Mouse said all dogs go to heaven!

Alison said...

I think you're just mad that you didn't think of this. ;)

Terrible picture you paint of the puppies, though.

Florian said...

Did you do this for Divot?

Chandler said...

Yes, I am quite annoyed at the brilliance.

And no, Florian... Divot doesn't have to worry. Papa Chan will be home on Sunday to take care of him.

Smithkey said...

This idea is pure genius. I just wonder how long it will take until they are shut down for fraud (assuming that if/when they are asked to provide actual documentation that arrangements are being made they can't do so).

Irish said...

USA USA USA

Chandler said...

Hey Irish... I'm going to start a service aimed at people of your ilk.

After Jesus comes and rescues you on Saturday (6pm), I will go over to your house to drink your beer and eat your cheese before it goes bad. I know you're worried about your stockpile.

Please give me $25 for this service next time I see you.

The Todd said...

Rapture is a pretty bad-ass word, though.... I'll give them credit for that. I think it'll be my band name.

Brian L. said...

already a band with The Rapture name.

April (tall) said...

Guess I should pay now...
IMPORTANT NOTICE 5/20/11: DUE TO UNPRESCEDENTED EMAIL VOLUME OUR EMAIL REPLY ABILITY HAS BEEN MAXED OUT. ONLY CONTRACT SUBMISSIONS WITH PAYPAL SUBMISSIONS WILL BE REPLIED TO IMMEDIATELY. ALL OTHER INQUIRES AND EMAILS WILL BE REPLIED TO BUT WITHIN THE NEXT 24 TO 48 HOURS. OUR APOLOGIES.