Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Ultimate MVP

BY DAVID THOMAS
dthomas@star-telegram.com

I'm not a Dos Equis kind of guy. I'm more into tres, cuatro or cinco equis -- you know, the row of X's you'll see on an X-out golf ball.
I do, however, find Dos Equis' "most interesting man in the world" to be rather, well, interesting. I'm sure the Dos Equis folks would insist that their man has no equal, but I've been wondering what the sporting equivalent of the bearded wonder would be like. Now, I think I know. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce to you the most interesting man in the sports world:

-When he sees athletes giving 110 percent, he gets upset that they're not trying as hard as he does.

-He needs only three at-bats to hit for the cycle.

-His teammates wear his name on the front of their jerseys because they play for him.

-His games never get delayed by rain.

-He has never misspelled "Krzyzewski."

-If he were a replay official, he wouldn't need the replay to get the call correct.

-His golf ball never hits the rotating windmill at the mini-golf course.

-He knows if it's a first down before they stretch the chains.

-Peyton Manning would never audible out of a play he's called.

-When he goes skeet shooting, he yells "Pull!" and the target explodes on its own.

-His par is one shot lower than everyone else's.

-His ERA is impressive even before you divide by total innings pitched.

-He once actually saw a hockey puck go into the net.

-He could determine a baseball team's magic number in preschool.

-If he wanted, he could invoke the mercy rule before the game even starts.

-He predicted the Dallas Mavericks would sweep the Los Angeles Lakers.

-He's never converted a 7-10 split -- because he's never needed to.

-In a track meet, he once lapped a competitor on the first lap.

-Hockey goalies fear him so much that every goal he scores is an empty-netter.

-He is so good at time management that he doesn't need to retire from sports so he can spend more time with his family.

-At bowling alleys, he corrects automatic pinsetters.

-When he sees "Breaking News" on the sports ticker, it's always something he already knows.

-His caddie asks him what club to suggest he should use.

-He catches fish without losing his worm.

-When he's on the ice, his team always is on the power play.

-His dart board has only the bull's eye.

-His "if necessary" games are never necessary.

-The youth baseball team he coached once had a six-run inning in a league with a five-run limit.

-If he wasn't busy on weekends, he would end Jimmie Johnson's championships streak.

-He knows why college baseball teams have coaches but professional teams have managers.

-He does P90X to warm up for and warm down after triathlons.

-Monday Night Football's ratings started declining when he stopped watching.

-He threw strikes even before Babe Ruth was dead.

-He tells the fat lady when to sing.

-When he goes bird hunting, he always bags his limit despite shooting with blanks.

-He pulled off a double steal by himself.

-He drafts himself in fantasy leagues.

-He can get the assist and score on the same play.

-Working by himself, he would have had the temporary seats in place in time for Super Bowl XLV.



Read more: http://www.star-telegram.com/2011/05/17/3083150/heres-someone-the-rest-of-us-can.html#ixzz1O8r08KFs

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