Wednesday, October 12, 2011

DPT BQBL - Week 5 Recap

Let's get this over with.

Chandler vs. Souder
Why has Big Ben abandoned the things that made him a Super Bowl winning quarterback? Mainly, raping sorority girls in public bathrooms (allegedly)? It's probably a bit calloused of me to make jokes about someones drunken (and possibly drugged) plight. But Roethlisberger totally threw me into the stall at Golden Corral and profusely pounded my pooper this week (alliteration for the win!). Sure, maybe I was initially star-struck when I saw him. And maybe I was overly flirtatious and willingly followed him into that bathroom. But I was drunk on Salisbury steak! And halfway through his 5 touchdown performance, I begged him to stop! Alas, he didn't. Meanwhile, Cam Newtwon threw another pick for Souder. Final score: Souder wins 2 - -10.

Bito vs. Litman
Litman is in trouble. When T-Jack went down on Sunday, I told Daywalker: "Watch out. My fellow Clemson brother Charlie Whitehurst is a beast." Sure enough, he threw for one TD, zero picks and a 100 QB rating. He was also only 37 seconds away from a "game winning drive." I predict a massive Bad QB Controversy on Brian's hands. As for Bito... his boy McNabb got a THIRD vote of confidence in a row from his coach. If you feel the need to prop up your quarterback every week... maybe it's time to just put in Ponder. Or at least to ponder putting in Ponder. In any case, McNizzle won't be getting a 4th in a row, because they finally won a game. Final score: Bito wins 28 - -1.

Smithkey vs. Gorecki
It finally happened. After getting another vote of confidence from John Fox... Orton got benched for Tebow. Jesus promptly went three and out... twice. But even the Bible can't account for Jesus' life between ages 12-30. So maybe slow starts are just His thing. Anyway, Tebow rallied the team and almost won the game. Gorecki (who thankfully started the Broncos and got +35 for the benching) erupted in a mist of bodily fluids. And this couldn't have come at a better time for OMG. With John Brantley on crutches, there's a huge man-crush void to fill. But will Mike have the balls to start Tebow in the BQBL? He is, by definition, a bad quarterback (so far). Smithkey put up a good fight, but once again had to play one of the top scorers. Final score: Gorecki wins 66 - 26.

Nate vs. Kyle
Due to the bye week, Kyle had to start the Cheifs and Pats. It's no surprise Brady had a decent game. But 4 TDs for Matt Cassel? Ouch. He was averaging 37 per game before that. Lucky Leprechaun Nate pulled some gold out of his ass, with a 42 point effort from overrated Michael Vick. Nate's final score was impressive... but he left 142 points on the bench (Cards - 96, Bucs - 46)! This massacre should have been a lot worse. Final score: Nate wins 53 - -11.

Comment your picks for next week.

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