Monday, June 1, 2009

Toejammers Announce New Captain For Next Season!!



Unless you've been locked up with chains to Rollo's bed (Chandler, I'm looking at you), you've heard the rumors about Toejammers management "passing the torch" of leadership to one of their up and coming players. Despite not even having a press conference to validate the rumors, YellowBird's publicist has been working overtime trying to stay on top of interview requests from various kickball publications, kickball websites (that don't have contributors posting pics of their own bruises or themselves eating chicken), newspapers and Jim Rome. Fortunately, Yella outsourced his hired help from India and only has to pay him 3 snickers, 2 midget/bestiality DVDs and a bottle of goat's milk every two weeks. God bless capitalism!


Keeping that in mind, the Jammers' brass spent a lot of time meeting this off-season at 2001 (and probably Mons Venus) discussing possible candidates, the pros and cons of each, potential league rule changes, player personnel changes, getting lap dances, etc. Well, several good times and thousands of dollars later, they came (no pun intended) to a decision.

So without further await, the announcement is in and the new captain will be....







Dawson Hicks!!













Hicks displayed all of the intangibles they were looking for in their next leader. Passion about kickball. Sacrifice. Heterosexual. A keen understanding of various kickball defensive schemes. A high drinking tolerance. Flip Cup tournament experience. And of course, having a nice butt helps too.

Current Toejammers' Assistant Captain Ruben "Rubs" Kajkowski gave bayshorekb.com his opinion on the move yesterday via conference call. "Dawson's a good kid," Kajkowski said. "I'd trust him alone with my own alleged daughter that I'm currently in a paternity suit over. (laughing) I swear I pulled out way early. Guess I'll go ahead make another appointment to get tested. But, yeah, that Dawson is a good kid. Congrats to him. He deserves it. Looking forward to playing for him next season."























Some of his teammates took him out to MacDinton's afterward to celebrate the announcement. Hicks got a little tipsy and just before puking in the corner trash can, he vowed to lead the league in homeruns this year, which caught teammate and current Red Rocket slugger John "Griff" Griffin by surprise.



But the party would continue. Several other teammates would join in. Including soon-to-be former captain and also current Red Rocket, YellowBird. In fact, Bayshorekb.com got a photo with the two together inside the bar (pictured right) and a comment from Yella. "Dawson has earned it," Yella said. "He optimizes what playing for this franchise is all about and we're just lucky to have him. I just hope he kicks for a higher average than Edith this year and never tries to kiss me again."


Hicks will have big some shoes to fill though. In only 3 seasons under Yella, the Jammers won 2 Division titles, 2 Tournament titles, 3 orange Yeaga-Thongs, 3 Beer Jam titles, Frank Nolte's priceless admiration, countless kickball games, organized the only theme game to ever be banned by Ty (Mexicans vs the Border Patrol) and just finished a perfect season.

9 comments:

Chandler said...

remember the post following the banning of "Mexicans vs. Boarder Patrol"? where everyone came up with other themes that would be banned? that was some funny shizz.

YellowBird said...

yeah... like tits vs gravity

Ryan said...

....It was a touching ceremony.

And then we tried to ride a walrus!!

Hello Kimmy said...

Didn't someone suggest Mama Cass vs. Ham Sandwich... and Ruben vs. His Ego. You're right, Chandler. That was some funny shit!!!!

Chandler said...

if Rollo ever gets the old posts from Knowlton... I'll put a link to it.

SarahB said...

Ah yes...the walrus...was that before or after a whiskey shot to the eye bito lol

Griff said...

...i believe it was Ruben vs. Modesty...

Rollo said...

Woot I got a mention. Damn Chandler i saw him last Friday and forgot about the CD.

Btw I actually have about 7 people chained to my bed at all times....yes Chandler is one of them.

FRANK said...

I liked it Yella