Thursday, April 1, 2010

Red Rocket Report: Rockets Get Hard, Stay Hard, Hose Down Competition to Win Grand Championship in Dominant Fashion





Un·der·dog
(ŭn'dər-dôg', -dŏg') n.
One that is expected to lose a contest or struggle, as in kickball or politics.

That's not a word commonly used in reference to the Red Rockets. After losing in the 2nd round of their league tourney, the Rockets entered the Grand Champions Invitational Tourney as a low seeded at large bid. Thus, our Happy Humpin' Hornball Heroes in Red were an underdog for the first time this year. No worry. These peeps know how to finish any job the right way. The way any respectable person would. By handing her a towel and saying "Here ya go. Thank you, that felt great, but I have a lot to do. You should probably get dressed and go now."




The Rockets truly were the "kings of the hill" saturday afternoon. They used stellar defense, timely kicking, aggressive baserunning and a lot of Anal Eaze to butt-bone the entire Kickball Society field of champions. And butt-boning is putting it kindly. They went through 3 bottles of Anal Eaze, outscored their opponents 26-4 and did not trail once the entire day.











It was exciting. It was orgasmic. It was messy. Several Rockets explained the feeling they got when it was over.

"It feels awesome," exclaimed Dawson Hicks. "This totally makes up for being born a ginger! People can openly hate all they want now. I don't care!"

"This is really satisfying," explained Alicia Zorilla. "And I'm not one to be easily satisfied. It usually takes a couple of attempts to get me... er, it right."



After winning his first kickball tournament ever (he's only played on the Beer Nuts before this), Nate Leighton took a moment to collect his thoughts, soak it all in and enjoy the limelight. He hollered, smacked a random girl on the ass, shotgunned a beer and shouted "Boom! Now I'm done!"




Game 1 vs One Kick Wonders

The Rockets first opponent of the day wasn't really much to write about. Here's a team with some athlete's and not much personality on the field. Imagine an uglier but quieter BnD squad with zero fanny packs. I know. You can't, but try anyway. One of their players had those gloves wide receivers and defensive backs wear playing football. I'm going on six years playing kickball now. That was first.


The Rockets got lubed up and exploded right out of the gate with a 5-run first inning facial. By the time the One Kick Wonders figured out what had happened the Rockets we're already carbing up for the next round. This one was one-sided. Cathy Leone actually admitted to intentionally popping up in the late innings fearful that the Rockets would keep scoring runs and blow their load again. The thought of a large load started getting to her. And Ruben wasn't at the field to have sex with her in front of everyone again, so she put a banana in her mouth to take away the urge and refocus.






"We we're not going to blow another early load and then go limp today," said Rocket Captain John "Griff" Griffin. "We had worked on that for weeks. We tried thinking about baseball and it didn't help much. We tried hypnotism. No luck. So we just had orgies all week. The regular sex really got our endurance up and it was great to see it translate on the field."

The Rocket D was suffocating and after getting out of 2 on jam in the 2nd, the One Kick Wonders never threatened, but they did get violated. The Rockets were courteous though. Left a nice tip on the nightstand.

The Final Tally:
Red Rockets 7
One Kick Wonders 0
Anal Eaze 65



Game 2 vs Drunk Again & Looking to Score

Well after ass raping fresh meat, it was time for some sloppy seconds with a familiar foe, Drunk Again & Looking to Score. You hardcore Rocket fans will remember this was the team that our Bulging Boner Blast-offs had to come from behind to defeat in the last inning. A couple of ball/rhyme drops by Gorecki erased a lead, but opened the door for a dramatic win. A busch on busch league elimination match was inevitable. A few Bushwackers even crowded around to watch the action.






After a 1-1 first inning, the Rockets seized control like a porn director. Our phallic symbolized friends would stretch the lead while keeping a tight leash (as seen on the right) defensively. Some more aggressive base running and a relay to nail a potential score at the plate would take the wind out of Drunk Again's sails.
















Though they didn't really unleash any big facials in this one, the Rockets did lube up and squeeze across a couple of insurance runs to put it away. This would turn out to be the Rocket's most competitive game of the afternoon. The Rockets kept the celebration short to prepare for the finals... and to get another drink.

The Final Tally:
Red Rockets 8
Drunk AGain 3
Anal Eaze 41


Finals vs Blue Ballers (Northdale)

The Rockets patiently awaited their next opponent. The Blue Ballers and Average Joes of the Sunday night league were going extra innings. After some over the top testosterone filled actions by the Blue Ballers, they celebrated a victory.




"Watching them play, they seemed like a bunch of pricks," explained Rocket SS Chandler "Honeybuns" Brown. "And I say that negatively because I usually like pricks. They taste good on my lips. But in the end they we're actually cool people and not pricks."







The Blue Ballers were good. Real good as evidenced by their perfect record. They had run the table in the regular season and won their league tourney. A perfect 14-0 heading into the finals. Would our well-endowed and chest-stacked friends in red have a chance?

The Rockets would put up a couple early runs to start the game. The Blue Ballers' 3rd baseman then kicked one deep to left. Cathy "Carl" Leone would run what seemed like a 5K trying to gather the ball. The end result was one of the longest homeruns I've ever seen. That would cut it to 2-1, but that's as close as the Ballers would get.

A couple of aggressive base running decisions would really test the Blue Ballers' D and they we're not up to task. The Rockets smelled blood in the panties and attacked. They forced error after error and a violent 6-run inning facial later left some drippage on the Ballers' chins. Unlike the hater rally a year ago, a very pro-Red Rockets crowd mixed of Drunk Again, Bushwackers, Average Joes and One Kick Wonders would cheer when a score of 8-1 was announced. Guess not inviting Jeanette back was a positive for league relations. Can't imagine why.



The Rockets could smell the title, but never stepped off the gas. Three more insurance runs would push the lead to double digits and turn this one into a laugher. When the dust had finally settled and the jizz finally dribbled off of the Blue Baller's faces, the Rockets had donkey punched a previously undefeated team 11-1.






The Final Talley:
Red Rockets 11
Blue Ballers 1
Anal Eaze 97


Other Game/Afternoon Notes:


The Rockets won 3 games in one day for the first time ever.

Bito and Heather are now engaged. The two hosted a small engagement party after the tourney. The occasion was so special that Bito actually wore a shirt. Congrats, guys.




The sex word for the week is "the Leaky Faucet." The leaky faucet is when you're banging a girl in the ass and instead of cumming you pee in her ass. As you continue to bang her, some of the pee will start to drip out of her butt... like a leaky faucet.







Griff made some kick ass pudding shots. Must have gotten the recipe from Maria.


Catching fly balls, throws to 1st and running the bases while carrying around a Round Up Pump N' Go Spray Dispenser is not as easy as it may look.








With timely hitting and a huge diving catch at first base, Smitty won the Donkey Punch. It was his first time collecting the award this season, but he picked a great time to do it. Congrats, Smitty!





















He was so excited about winning it, he danced by himself.....















before remembering it's true use and purpose as seen here. Give her a pink sock, Smitty!











Liger visor was given back to Chandler. Cathy had it all along. She now owes him a handski.








The Rockets introduced next season's version of the Wendy officially called the Gorecki. For failing to show up the entire day and having a ginger play his position for him (and play quite well) Ruben earned the Gorecki. Yella accepted it on his behalf.

















Great friends are hard to find. Great friends who give you sexual favors are even harder to find.















Alas, the off-season is here. Time to relax.











This week's 'Brooke Loves Yella's Karaoke Lyrics' is taken from Flo Rida's (No, not that Flo) "In the Ayer"


Oh hot damn,
This is my clam,
Gonna pound this thing strait till the AM,
Shit's so loose ya'll don't understand,
Just felt a draft of Ayer, ay-ayer, ayer, ay-ayer!



See ya next season! Until then, rock out with your red rocket out!

6 comments:

SarahB said...

good shit...as always!

April (tall) said...

Nice Recap, wish I could have played. I'm in Red Rockets Rehab. Next Season is gonna kick a$$!

THE_Dawson said...

Even though it was an excellent write up, it still cannot capture the way the RRR's captured the hearts of the crowd. What a cheering section we had in the finale, Tuesday night represented!

Griff said...

Griff's pudding shots brought to you by Topeka..err umm Google. Maria never hooked me up with her recipe :(
"hhhhhh" lol

Maria said...

Great write up Yella! Fantastic season Rockets! So fun! Next season is gonna be great!! :)

Brooke said...

IRL Griff said hhhhhh!!!!