An Open Letter to Teneille

Dear Tobago,

It has been a few weeks since I've had a chance to catch up on this blog, as I've been traveling the world discovering accents less intelligible than your own. It almost wasn't surprising to hear your adventures in sucking face upon my return, since it's obvious you're in a race against time before the Arizona Immigration Law spreads to Florida. I'll be sure to clear my calendar for your eloping reception at Seasons 52, and then welcome you to matrimony with a book on the history of US presidents (I hear the citizen test is a bitch).

Anyway, the purpose of THIS letter is to discuss the asinine comments you've made on the blog lately. It seems you are taking shots and spreading hate at the ToeJammers for not representing Bayshore in Las Vegas. Here's a sample:

"As for the game on the 7th.. Come one Jamiekins... I think someone on SoulGlo paid you off, cause that's the only way they think they can beat us... Since hmmm we are going to Vegas and they are not.... Kinda sad when you really think about it"

First of all, "Jamiekins" should have been "Jaimekins," since she's named after the famous migrant worker who founded Taco Bell in 1962. Just remember the jingle: "i before m, and don't bring any fucking coolers to the fields."

Secondly, what the Hell are you talking about? Let's do a little historical analysis:

• The season "you" won the tournament, the Alcoballics finished in 4th place with a record of 6-2-1. That's pretty respectable, but the 1.78 runs scored per game average (13th in the league) was pathetic. Thankfully, "your" team had the best defense that season.
• In the tournament, "you" were losing 7-1 to an inept Your Mom team, before scoring 7 runs to keep the dream alive. Clearly the 'Ballics didn't win this game, rather, Your Mom lost it.
• If you're still wondering why "you" is in quotes... it's because you weren't even in this country when all this happened. Thus, you are merely riding the coattails of your current teams' accomplishments.

But wait... what about when you did finally return last season? After a slow start, "your" team mustered a 5-3 record and a semi-final loss in the tournament. Not bad... but you only played in the final two games. In fact, you weren't even a registered WAKA player (a favorite trick of the 'Ballics)! Your first illegal game back was a 6-4 beating by the Shockers on April 1st. And I fully expect Jack to request a nullification of the final game last season due to this roster atrocity. Somewhere, Reggie Bush is smiling at the prospect of "forfeited wins."

So as you sip on wine coolers in Vegas in October, try to reflect on how you helped the Alcoballics get there. Without you, they'd surely be lost.

And for everyone else in the league... over/under 3.5 wins with Teneille on their squad before Vegas happens? Depending on the make-up game with Soul Glo and rain-outs, 6 or 7 games should be in the books.

Hatefully yours,
Silky Johnson