Sunday, May 17, 2009

THE Epic Blog Post

If you have a problem with someone or something do you - ?

A) Come to that person directly and be up front
B) Sit in your room and spank the monkey to gay porn
C) Do nothing
D) Type out a 1000 word essay to a girl at 2:30am and whine

Unfortunately Chandler chose D ( and B )

A little back story.

Chandler does not like me because I nommed the love of his life for money on my last birthday, and because I can be crazy and funny when the situation needs it to be.... oh and I nommed the love of his life. Can't be clear enough on that....it was fun (still haven't been paid yet though...)

Chandler is also very over the top when it comes to being a kickball captain. (Shocker I know) Things like signing our weekly email essay's with "Your Captain", "Honeybuns", or "Sweet Cheeks" and writing them where everything is "What's my name Bitch?" and "Who's your Daddy?" and "All this could be mine?" and addressing his future "Not Stepping Down" like its a military command position or he is the CEO of Playgirl. Should we hold a ceremony?

Normally his antics and over the topness are pretty freaking funny and we all just keep on running to the bathroom to avoid peeing our pants.

But lately its been getting out of control. Chandler plays with himself at only one position (doggy style), and plays with himself every inning. As if that's not disturbing enough he also rearranges the line up so he NEVER has to kick first. Putting all the pressure on me.

So last night as I was perusing our offensive alignment. I noticed that everyone on the team was kicking after me. Chandler had himself kicking 7th, yes 7th. Not 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th or 6th but 7th. Putting all the pressure on me once again to be 1st. So I decided to ask him right then and there. I know for a fact 83.33% (repeating of course) of the team didn't even hear me talking to Chandler. Anyway it all lead to this exchange.

Rollo: Hey Chandler!
Chandler: (nervous glance as he takes his hand out of his pants)

2 minutes later
Rollo: Hey Chandler, quick question, how come I have to kick first??
Chandler: (quick glance and walking away pretending to get another beer, followed by a weak attempt to blend in with the crowd)

2 minutes later
Rollo: Hey Chandler, why are you kicking 7th and not 1st?
Chandler: Well you told me you can kick wherever and whenever which means 1st, 2nd, 3rd and so on up to 24th. So I put you 1st.
Rollo: What are you talking about? I'd like to kick in other positions
Nate: Yeah me too
Chandler: Well those are the positions you signed up for. (Even though he writes in the email, I was told not to sign up)
Rollo: No I've kicked other positions. Hell last week I kicked 2nd, 3rd and 4th when you jerking it in the corner. And how come you can munt anytime you want during the game??
Chandler: Because I know me and I know I can munt all day long (cue Pedro right here) I don't know you. I don't know where you can kick. I specifically didn't asked for input on where you want to kick and thankfully you never gave me any.
Rollo: It's kickball. A serious sport. My nerves can't handle kicking 1st every game!
Chandler: How would I know that? I don't know you!
Rollo: Sooo why are you kicking 7th again?
Chandler: Because I am the captain
Rollo: Good thing you might not be stepping down next season.
Chandler: Maybe you should have stepped up this season!! (ZING!)
Rollo: huh?
Chandler: huh?
Rollo: what?

Best part of this whole email, aside from it in its entirety, is this:
"His name is Nom Sayin" like I'm black or something.

Oh and yes I did nom some British girl at a random bar (or 2) but there was $ on the table and a brother needs to make that money. It was also very late and I had some crazy thick beer goggles on. Chandler is still just upset because he was sucking on Missy's toes that night for free. But I guess it is now Chandlers business.

But since he wants to call me out... All I have to say to him is even when I'm drunk I wouldn't blow a donkey for $50k. That is Chandlers job.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chandler Brown
Date: Fri, Apr 17, 2009 at 2:30 AM
Subject: Some Information
To: Michelle McNomNom



McNomNom,
You'll probably read this tonight due to your domesticated pre-wife living situation, but I just wanted to give you a heads up on some information that will be shared with the team after the playoffs. I tried to step up and lead this team which we retained in Leif's honor, but have not succeeded. Thus, I have been thinking for awhile now... and I was pretty sure... but after tonight I am definitely sure that I might return as captain for only one more season (in accordance to the Liger Doctrine section 1.03). I'm pretty sure that I will continue to play on the Ligers after that, but it's too early to say for sure. Sure? Sure. Yep... I'm sure.

Anyway, there was a situation that I did not appreciate that happened tonight on the field. A particular player came up to me complaining why he had to kick first, in front of the others. While I agree this would be a valid point to make, the timing was very bad on this persons part. We are nine weeks into the season so I would expect him to say something at an earlier game, plus he chose to say something during the game which was not the best time to be doing this! It's not like I changed my line-up this week, it has been somewhat similar for all nine weeks. The best part is that when I tried to move said player down the line-up like he asked, he still walked up to the plate to kick first thus someone else had to kick in a different slot thus moving everyone around thus mixing up their normal slots thus confusing the entire team ergo our line-up kicking debacle! Thus!

I thought about sending this out to the whole team, but I don't think it is fair to lump everyone together as it is just one bad apple. I did send out like 8 long-winded emails at the beginning of the season stating that if anyone has any suggestions to make the team better, or just has some input to share, to shut the fuck up. Of course I got no response. So I assumed everyone recognized and respected my authority!!

I also specifically did not ask people where they wanted to kick, and barely got a response from anyone (and of course got no response from said pansy player) so I have to order people where I think they will succeed. Thus in a way I am guilty of giving people completely fair kicking orders. I know certain people will succeed at certain spots, but others I put them where I think their inevitable outs will be timely. If they want to kick somewhere else, then I wish they'd just get on base more. I admit I am guilty of wanting to win while also having fun so I try to keep our line-up at its most effective state.

I say all this to you because I'm sure you know who the person is who gave me shit tonight. His name is Sean. His name is Rollo. His name is NomNom King. His name is Nom Sayin'. His birth name is actually John. He's got two middle names: Nicholas Christopher. He's got a lot of names. While I do not know if the rumors are true that you two are shopping for engagement rings right now (and it is really none of my business unless you would like to tell me... so tell me now!!!), you two have become very close as you are to the "in-laws." I just have to tell you that I don't like him and it will stop me from hitting on you and sending you flowers and stuff when he is around both currently and in the future. I hate to say it but that is how much I can't stand him.

Maybe it's unfair how I think about him and maybe you think that the only reason I do not like him is because of the way he treated that poor British girl in Key West 2008. While that may be a part of it, I assure you that my dislike for him did not really start until long after he nom'd her to win a bet up at Rick's Bar after previously just noming her in a drunken state at Dirty Harry's. I hate the fact that he likes to poke fun at people and then makes me poke fun at people and then easily shrugs it off when people poke fun at him. I also don't like his lack of a temper... for example when Leif and I made him do shots of vodka while we did shots of water just to get him to black out so we could draw on his face with a sharpie... he never got angry. Or just recently at a team party when I kneed him in the balls whilst he was wasted and he didn't even try to get me back... rather he just slapped Paige in the face with hotdogs while jumping around like a drunken hobbit. I think he cares about others too much. Case in point, not getting angry at other peoples' antics vastly reduces the drama and entertainment in our own lives. Then I'm forced to be amused by other peoples' drama!

I'm not sure if you were there at the time, and I don't think you were, but I'm sure Duc remembers. About a three-quarter year or a five-eighths year ago after a night at the bar, Leif asked me a question that I had an answer for but Sean clearly did not. He asked me "what is the password?" I instantly knew the answer since I had said it earlier in the night and the phrase is quite funny to me. If he or anyone else were to ask Sean that same question right now, he would definitely NOT know the answer. The answer is "Poop Sex." I feel strongly about that. But Sean didn't know that because we got wasted off chugging games and then Leif and I thought it was funny to keep changing the password to confuse him. We never uttered the original password the rest of the night. So by the time we got home Sean guessed like 15 wrong passwords and laughed the whole thing off!

Take this email for what you may. Maybe I'm just letting off steam or something since it is late right now. I just wanted to let you know how I feel since it seems we have grown apart lately. I haven't really had a chance to talk to you much in the past few weeks. I hope you can keep this information between us but it is up to you. If you feel like sharing it with someone or even posting it on the blog, that is your right since I did send it to you. No worries as I have no problem standing by every single word I have said in this email. That being said, I hope you had fun playing the Superstars tonight. It's still not your team since Frank was out there. And I'm 90% sure Sandra was out there too and probably falls next in the succession order of the team. And then after Missy and Sydney and Joe and Erica and Austin and Dave and Matt... then maybe it's your team. There are plenty of others ahead of you. But hopefully they let you hold the scorebook.


Chandler



----- In Closing ------

I only posted this because in the email Chandler said I could... and even if he didn't say that... I still would have because it's funny.

And for the record. I just wanted to know why all the pressure had to be put on me? Chandler could have just fixed it. But he let personal feelings affect his captaining abilities. I also didn't make him write a disparaging thousand word email at 230am.

2 comments:

Laura said...

For the record I said to Rollo that if he still has this hysterical post that he will get my vote in the Blog Wars. Still laughing at this post - you and Chan have WAY too much time on your hands :-)

Chris said...

Of course the blog with the most epic post in history wins.